Introducing 50 Things with Patrick Magpie

Written by Patrick Magpie with an introduction from Terra Vance.
This picture illustrates the janky room where old items go to die. There is an assortment of common items, such as a rickety ladder, ugly pink shoes with floral embellishments, a child’s bicycle, a globe,  a hat that says the girls from the Little House on the Prairie took a trip to The Hamptons, a painting of a whale, a pair of dice, a lock, a dart, and much more. Think Where’s Waldo but for poor people.

In a light-hearted conversation among the Aspergian contributing team, we discussed one day the notion that autistics have a superpower or a savant skill. Many of us felt that we had unique talents, but they were extremely impractical and hard to even describe. For our resident melodramatic editor, Patrick Magpie, we determined that his superpower was generating chaotic lists which crossed far beyond the boundary of absurd and ventured into anarchy territory.

The odd niche humor of aspies is not always appreciated among the general population. We had been toying with the notion of weekly columns to add some levity and personality to what begins to look like tragedy porn… or tragicomedy, but neurotypical people often have a hard time laughing with us at our own suffering.

So, this conversation evolved [read: devolved] into determining that Patrick was going to do a user-requested weekly list called “Fifty Things with Patrick Magpie.”

And, just in time for Superbowl weekend is Patrick’s first list, a topic chosen from member suggestions from partner group, Asperger’s Life Support, on Facebook. In textual schadenfreude tantamount to verbal dada art, here the first list.

[Note: Patrick’s lists should be considered not safe for work (NSFW). Reader discretion advised. Discretion is overrated.]

50 Things Better than American Football

1. Diabetic foot amputations
2. A nail gun to the eye
3. Having to have Billy Ray Cyrus’ hair stylist for all eternity
4.Choking on ass Legos
5. Finding out you and your father have the same bang list
6. Platform sneakers
7. The entire Creed discography
8. Small talk with Sarah Huckabee Sanders
9. Sylvia Plath’s oven
10. Moby Dick
11. When your jump rope catches fire, and you burn your Dolce & Gabbanas
12. Waking up to Bill Cosby in your bed
13. Accidentally cremating your best friend’s grandma
14. Writing the White house every day for 68 years with no return correspondence, and the first time you get a letter in the mail, it’s 2017 and there’s a Twitter bird on the envelope
15.Using an entire jar of Beach Babe hair paste and still ending up looking like Eric Trump
16. Finding the fountain of intelligence, but it’s actually just sewer water
17. Having a kid obsessed with Caillou
18. The Chlamydia dance
19. Shoulder pads for shoulder pads
20. Tom Brady’s sweaty MAGA hat
21. You’ve been kidnapped. It up to the last person you saw on TV to save you. The last show you watched was Dr. Pimple Popper.
22. #NotAllMen
23. Radish smoothies
24. Being the seat on Dick Cheney’s bicycle
25. Literal snot
26. Getting your account shut down by your Twitter nemesis
27. Showing up to a funeral in the teddy you wore last night
28. Gwyneth Paltrow’s autobiography
29. Eating the last Kardashian
30. Remembering you gave Chester from the bar your number last night
31. Marrying a novelties salesmen
32. Finding out the man you married cheated on you even though he’s bald and keeps fake dog shit in his jacket
33. Brownie-batter flavored hummus
34. Walking into a “massage parlor” and seeing Betsy DeVos naked.
35. You think you’re drop dead gorgeous. Instead, you just drop dead
36. Regurgitated liver and onions
37. People who say but I’m such a nice guy when they don’t get their way
38. Getting your tiny ass head stuck in a mason jar
39.Having smaller hands than Donnie
40. Conversion therapy
41. Reddit
42 Lobotomies
43. Coffee enemas
44. Meggings under jorts
45. Beef jerky breath
46. Prostate exams
47. Pumpkin spice Marlboros
48. Bong water
49. Rural Texas
50. Texas in general

Bonus Round
51. Sex with Jenny McCarthy’s biggest fan
52. Wink emojis from someone you hate
53. Fruitcake
54. Pageant moms
55. Barbed wire tattoos
56. Hungry Man Salisbury steak
57. Slaughterhouses
58. Televangelists who sound like goats
59. Gentrification
60. Thinking it’s hairspray when it’s mace

As I always say, the only acceptable sport is insulting the Kardashians. This list showcases all the things in the world that are better than American football. ‘Twas easy because everything is better than American football.

Talk to me… or don’t

What would you add to this list? What would you remove? If you feel yourself beginning to type, “This was funny, but…” then throw your phone into a food processor and run over said food processor with your Ford Windstar. If you’re on a laptop, slam it closed on the fingers of your dominant hand. If you’re on a desktop you’ve already lost at the game of life.

Add your comments below!

Next week’s list

I need topic suggestions for next week’s installment of 50 Things with Patrick Magpie. What do you like? What do you hate? Who do you want to offend? Send me your list ideas! I need a challenge. Leave your comments below!

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3 Responses

  1. Genuine laughter heard coming from my own soul!!! How refreshing! I’ve been looking forward to this and I was not disappointed.

    1. Either. All smoothies are better than football. Put broken glass in the blender with all my broken dreams for all I care.

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