50 Things with PatrickMagpie – You Know You’re Autistic When & Small Talk Alternatives

50 things with patrick magpie

I’m back from hiatus! I have exciting things in the works, including a new blog called Escapades of an Autistic Diva. I might even teach you how to still get someone to like you after standing them up ten times. I’m helpful like that.

In the meantime, check out the latest edition of 50 Things with PatrickMagpie. This one’s a two-parter!

You know you’re autistic when…

  1. You burn a hole in your notebook from erasing too much.
  2. You scream in a crowded train station because someone touched your shoulder.
  3. You have twenty atlases in your room, and you actually read them.
  4. You secured your neighbor a job on a different continent because he talked too much.
  5. You know more about gardening than Freddy Krueger, but you haven’t been outside since 2011.
  6. You have a panic attack every time the phone or doorbell rings.
  7. You get berated for being a social justice warrior, but you haven’t even said anything yet.
  8. You still hold a grudge against the clown who beat you in the second-grade spelling bee… twenty years ago.
  9. You’ve memorized 276 cheesecake recipes but sometimes struggle to tie your shoes.
  10. You stim out every time you see your favorite restaurant; and, now, you’re not allowed in Chattanooga.
  11. You will not drink from a yellow straw.
  12. You always win at hide and seek because you’re invisible to most people already.
  13. You’re brought to tears when birds fly by, partly because they’re so majestic, you can’t help yourself, and partly because you’re terrified of those sharp-beaked, cold-hearted, prehistoric death machines.
  14. You throw wet gum at people when they try to make eye contact with you.
  15. You’ve been told, “You don’t grieve death, just the loss of routine,” by a psychiatrist who hangs his diploma from a Rapunzel magnet.
  16. You only read Moby Dick and Hozier lyrics.
  17. You’re constantly criticized for being over-rational by overemotional human popsicle sticks.
  18. You heard Al Gore speak one time, and now you carry a climate disaster survivor kit in your trunk.
  19. You’ve had peanut butter sandwiches for lunch every day since preschool.
  20. You question everything like some skeptical little wendigo.
  21. You’ve had your spirit dragged down relentlessly but are still standing.
  22. Your best friend sometimes forgets to eat, so you forget to breathe.
  23. You sort your Skittles by color, then throw them in the trash because you don’t eat unicorn vomit.
  24. You feel misunderstood, even though you don’t understand anything except theoretical syntax, thermodynamics, quantum physics, world peace, and some other shit.
  25. You have to be nice to everyone, even though it makes you the worst kind of annoying.I’ve kept this a secret long enough. I hate small talk. I hate small talk more than words can describe– more than baseball players with pancake butts, flip flops and platform sneakers, and the Spice Girls reunion tour. So instead of trying to describe it, I’ll leave you with 25 wonderful alternatives to banal-ass small talk.
  26. Make a voodoo doll of the community bully and throw it in the barbecue
  27. Pretend you’re Tartuffe, buy a fancy wig, and scare all the neighbors
  28. Have a three-hour conversation about bathymetric charts with an unwilling participant
  29. Memorize the Old Testament and judge a fool for wearing polyester
  30. Teach a gopher how to do the Macarena
  31. Bite a stranger’s hand and steal his Bazooka bubble gum
  32. Argue about the cultural importance of Grease 2
  33. Take your gay best friend shopping at Pottery Barn and speak to him only in Morse code
  34. Slip your Coke-addicted enemy Pepsi and see if they notice
  35. Accidentally drop a bargain hair dryer in the Judge Rotenberg Center toilet
  36. Bribe someone to tell you, “With those beach waves, you could be on the cover of Sports Illustrated!” in a public venue
  37. Sell banana cream pies to the 100 million people who hate Mitch McConnell
  38. Knit a teddy bear for a cockroach and give it a cute nickname like Baby Daddy
  39. Buy Ricky Martin’s wax on Ebay and recreate the Livin’ La Vida Loca video
  40. Play Mad Libs with your dog
  41. See if you can make carrot cake in the microwave
  42. Start a turf war with the scientists in Antarctica
  43. Read one of the ninety unread books sitting on your nightstand
  44. Invite your friends to your colonoscopy and throw them a surprise party
  45. Take your vacuum on a walk through Central Park
  46. Go to the latest Marvel movie and randomly scream “He’s a ghost! And he writes to us!” during the climax
  47. Join a convent just so you can trick Mother Superior into partaking in pagan rituals.
  48. Pizza, dammit! Get pizza
  49. Talk about how overpopulation is destroying the planet in front of your friend who has seven kids and another on the way
  50. Make it through a whole conversation without referencing Golden Girls

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4 Responses

  1. Love this! I know some people might get offended, but I love self-aware autistic snark. We know our quirks, after all. Thanks for the laughs, and I will definitely be following the new blog!

  2. “You burn a hole in your notebook from erasing too much.” LOL!!! (ouch — grade school and high school)

    “You sort your Skittles by color, then throw them in the trash because you don’t eat unicorn vomit.” LOL!!!

    “Have a three-hour conversation about bathymetric charts with an unwilling participant.” Had to laugh at this one, too, only it wasn’t about bathymetric charts. It was a one-sided conversation, and the look of pain on his (actually their) face puzzled me for a long time.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Patrick ,, you are totally magnificently brilliant and you have a “beautiful mind.” Thanks so much for sharing your wit and humor here on WordPress. I nearly fell out of my chair belly-laughing at your lists. Rave on, Baby, Rave on.

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