This list is based on social conventions I had no hand in. If I had that kind of power, divas would rule Earth and the unfashionable would be living in a bubble in space.
1. Mooing at a funeral
2. Wearing prison orange to your best friend’s wedding
3. Spending your bar mitzvah money on Balenciaga
4. Turning fourteen and automatically becoming a basic white bitch
5. Telling your life story in a salad recipe
6. Spilling Chai on your Canadian Goose jacket
7. Only buying one hand soap when you go into Bath and Body Works
8. Talking about your array of chainsaws at a baby shower
9. Brushing your teeth with Monistat
10. Taking a job as a food tester at Fancy Feast
11. Saving yourself for Luke Perry, but it’s 2019
12.Perpetually saying I Love You on first dates
13. Naming your first born Hamlet
14. Accidentally liking an Instagram picture of Mel Gibson
15.Bragging to the popular table you bought a new terrarium
16. Skinny dipping with the Westboro Baptist Church
17.Accidentally telling people you shop at Payless
18. Announcing on Facebook your new bestie is Sally from Hobby Lobby
19. Spitting your tea on the Queen
20. Getting a boner in the middle of home room
21. Celebrating Valentine’s Day with your pregnant hamster
22. Referencing your metaphorical penis in a faculty meeting
23. Wearing round toe-shoes with a maxi skirt
24. Mowing your gym teacher’s lawn so you don’t have to do push-ups
25. Serving burgers on a genuine silver platter
26. Becoming addicted to a Bible quote generator
27. Being the one person in Mississippi who’s read a book that didn’t have the Grinch in it
28. Naming your band Hetero Taxidermy
29. When the other nuns find out you’ve had more sex this week than Peter Rabbit’s mum
30. Getting caught by a theater usher with a watermelon in your purse
31.Letting your herpes med fall out of your pocket in the break room
32. Making fake profiles to praise your main profile
33. Coming out in the backseat of an ice cream truck
34. Finally getting a nickname in school, but that nickname is ‘wet whet frog dong’
35. Having a moral code
36. Getting married at a Chic-fil-a
37. Accidentally posting something meant for your incel support group on your Facebook wall
38. Consistently mixing up the words celiac and aphrodisiac
39. Automatically saying, “yes” when others ask “Am I ugly?”
40. Admitting your one and only kiss was with a Toggenburg goat
41. You land your first date in a decade and cancel to go to Beatlemania
42. You fall in love with a George Harrison impersonator who looks more like Roseanne Barr
43. Showing the vicar your black lace thong only to remember you’re not wearing one
44. Realizing the secret to longevity is avoiding men at all costs
45. When your mom talks about your impotence on Dr. Phil
46.Attending a PRIDE night Ariana Grande karaoke competition and coming in first place
47. When you tell your plastic surgeon you want to look like Danny DeVito, and now you’re the Penguin
48. Destroying opinions with facts
49. Realizing everyone thinks you’re a douche blower because you shop at H&M
50. Just being yourself
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They were hilarious! Thanks for brightening up my Sunday.
As an #ActuallyAutistic someone who lost someone close (who was also autistic as it happens) to suicide, “commit… suicide” in any context is actually really upsetting.
I know you were going for a showcase of autistic humour, but this hurt. I thought you should know. Thank you.
I thought it was hilarious, and I also think suicide is hilarious (if you do it right) and I don’t think authors should be publicly reprimanded for saying words just because someone who had an unpleasant life-event wants to take everything personally and make everything about themselves. If the word “suicide ” upsets you, you have the choice to scroll past it; choosing click on it for the specific purpose of shaming the author for simply using a silly slang-term (“social suicide”) is unbelieveably selfish, imo. Just thought you should know. Thank you.
I sorta think it wasn’t the word suicide, it was the phrase “COMMIT suicide”, as if it were a deliberate crime and not, you know, a tragedy the person has been a victim of, or a desperate escape from the unbearable tragedy that life was for them.
And, yeah, when used in the literal sense, the phrase bothers me too, and I haven’t even experienced anyone around me die by suicide.
Sowocki is right. One doesn’t COMMIT suicide.
Thanks for the input.
But is it okay to name your second child Hamlet?