The Ramblings of a Misunderstood Mind, Part 1

I don’t know why my mind races. As I sit here, uncomfortable because my stomach is in knots, and my thoughts won’t shut down. All I want to do is rest my body down in the overused pillowtop mattress, and just sink into nothingness.

But here I am. Thinking about the world, and politics, and wondering why my anxiety is through the roof. The world around me is full of walking animals that react without thinking, feel so much there’s no room for logic anymore, and are more likely to turn a blind eye than help another human being.

I’ve spent years, just watching people. Unable to open myself up, and too kind to stand up for myself. I’ve seen what happens with beautiful kindness and utter ugliness. Nothing ever surprises me anymore. And that’s sad, because I love the good surprises.

The stranger, holding the door for you, greeting you as if you were close neighbors. It’s really easy. You give them a genuine smile, say good morning, and you hope that it is reciprocated. Everyone generally likes to be noticed and validated. We all want to know we’re here for a reason.

What does it take to be kind? Why are the manners they tried to embed in us so easy to shrug off today? Have we forgotten ourselves, in our mad ravings and overload of input and information? We’re so drowned in our digital age we’ve actually forgotten how to live.

Is your life enjoyable when you’re always in a state of fear or anger about things you currently have no control over nor which really affect your daily lives? I’m starting to see a pattern, in myself anyway. The more I read the news, or I hear some really toxic report, the worse I feel physically.

We all know stress is horrible on the body. And yet, we are constantly bombarded by it. Then you add the barely-nutritional-thing-they-pass-as-food lightning-fast-service meals we stuff our mugs with, and you’ve got a railroad track right off a cliff.

I don’t know about you, but I love my job. But it’s high stress. I’ve got enough in my daily life not to need more factors feeding into my surmissed psychosis. It’s gotten to a point that all I crave is the outdoors and no neighbors. That’s not how you live.

People are really community-based. They are their healthiest when they interact and are understood. The amount of politically extremist people I deal with daily is to be admired. And yet, not one has started demeaning me or going into some unintelligible rant.

I don’t project myself as a threat. I try to engage every person I meet, as if I’m saying, “Hello there. I know you exist. Glad you do.” Wouldn’t that be great? Peace for everyone because you’re glad there are others just living their lives?

Helpful tip: colorful clothes and letting your hair decide the tilt of the day, or a neat fedora that youths you like twenty years can go a long way with making a smile.

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5 Responses

  1. “Or a neat fedora that youths you like twenty years can go a long way with making a smile.”

    I reread it lots and I cannot make any sense of it – am I misreading it, or is it a typo in there somewhere?

    1. Perception of self. I’m a silly person in RL. People seem to like that. And my personal style. Again, late night Ramblings.

  2. These ramblings make me want to hear more, know more about you. They articulate very relatable experiences. Looking forward to your next contribution!

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