On Connection and Loss

A man and woman sitting on a bench. The woman looks to the side, one leg crossed over the other with her back to the man. The man is looking down presumably reading something.

I don’t easily arrive at an emotional connection, but once I let my guard down and allow that connection to flourish, it is hard and fast. It’s similar to a car going from zero to ninety, pedal to the metal, except with an even faster acceleration rate.  Think rocket thrusters.  There is only first gear and full throttle for me.

This is true of friends, family, romantic interests, and even jobs. One reason for this, as an Aspie, is my intensely-amplified ability and desire to hyperfocus on what/who interests me. Another reason for this is my craving for connection and belonging, which is hard to find since there are so few people out there who have the ability to relate to me.  Letting go is very hard for me, to say the least.

If something goes wrong in a family relationship, I will feel that the connection will never be the same again. If they’re immediate family, I will fear having to still face them, no matter how painful.

If the problem is in a friendship or relationship, I obsess over what I may have done wrong. I will wonder why they so easily discard me after what I still perceive a pleasant and mutually-satisfying connection.

If it is a job I have grown accustomed to and take pride in- a job that I’ve held for any decent amount of time- it feels like a loss of relationship. It’s as if I personify the job.

I suppose after all that said, it isn’t surprising that I would avoid connection until the desire for that connection outweighs the fear of losing it. It may not seem it to the onlooking world, but a lot of thought goes into whether I proceed with a desire for close connection before I allow it to flourish. Maybe instead of accelerating, I should learn to put on the brakes or even put it in reverse.

Until I figure out how to do so, disconnection is my kryptonite.

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