Have you ever seen a Zamboni clear an ice rink? Before it makes its journey, the ice is a mess. It’s gouged and scratched. Then the machine magically wipes it all away. Everything looks smooth and clean.
Except it is all an illusion. Under the smooth surface there is still evidence of the deeper damage.
This so accurately describes meltdowns and their aftermath.
Last week I struggled so much. I recently lost my most excellent sidekick and support person. Finding someone to fill his shoes is hard.
I also am sparring with a change in medication. As much as I don’t want to need it, clearly I do.
All this contributed to me losing control of my body and putting my mom in the line of fire. Not once should she have to be in danger from her son. And yet here we are.
The moment my consciousness begins to return from wherever it fled during my meltdown, I am horrified with what transpired. As someone who believes in forgiveness, my mom drives the emotional Zamboni over her face and approaches me with a smooth, clean love.
But I worry about those deeper gouges, the ones not easily glossed over. Can they build up over time and take a toll on our relationship?
I am a big optimist, so I have to keep believing in the magic of a fresh start.
What else can I do?
- You Can’t Expect Simple Answers to Complex Questions about Autistic Emotions - November 19, 2022
- Mental Health Therapy for Nonspeakers - September 7, 2022
- Poetry: My Fault - July 27, 2022
4 Responses
That deeper damage, Trevor…
That makes fresh starts even more important.
You want to know people will keep going. And not stop challenging.
I’m sorry to hear it’s been tough for you, Trevor. I hope you can figure out a type of medication that helps you.
I wonder if you have ever tried a mood stabilizer. An autistic person I know tried them and started having fewer crying episodes; they still get sad sometimes but not so uncontrollably. If you have not tried it, it might be worth it in the future.
Very potent analogy – the Zamboni clearing gouge-filled ice and human forgiveness allowing a fresh start after unpleasant behavior. Trevor, your belief in the magic of a new beginning and the courage to accept it is wonderful! Where would any of us be if it weren’t for grace that, at one time or another, has allowed us all to begin again?