Be me, an unknowingly-autistic man. Put yourself in my shoes.
I managed school. Literature and English language were a bit of an issue, though. I got to university, studying physics, a lovely yes or no subject. I found it terribly difficult to try to fit in, but so do a lot of people in a physics program.
In 1989, late winter, I heard a song that lives with me to this day. I did not know I was autistic. I only found out half a year ago at age 46, but this song played in my head as I struggled in the neurotypical world.
Here are the lyrics to the “Battle of Bodmin Pill” by the New Model Army. I will say later what each bit meant to me after quoting the song…
Ballad of Bodmin Pill
Smash glass against the wall
Curse the music on the radio that the neighbours play.
Door slams, she turns her head
Watches through the window as he pulls away
Funny how your racing brain drives you so mad
When all the while you feel so numb
Too old to be clean far too young to be brokenLike an army we come
Cut back, left behind
I watched you self-destructing oh so many times
Shot down, once again
Sitting in a chair crying what am I going to do with my life?
Just learn to hide the way that you really feel
Never let them know that you’re scared
But understand that you’re not the special only one
Watch us now, watch us real closeCh: How we all dance with this fire ’cause it’s all that we know
And as the spotlight turns toward us, we all try our best to show
We are lost we are freaks, we are crippled, we are weak
We are the heirs, we are the true heirs, to all the worldLet’s go build a fire down on the empty beach when the waves are crashing high
White heat purify, as the sparks fly up into the great black sky
Sacrifice these crutches to the crackling flames
Stand as silhouettes against the dawn
It’s far too late to try to sleep now, seems I’m never tired any moreCh: I want to dance with this fire ’cause it’s all that I know . . .
We are lost we are freaks . . .
And we try our best to show . . .
I am lost… I’m a freak ha ha.
Here is my dissection of the song…
Smash glass against the wall
Curse the music on the radio that the neighbours play.
Door slams, she turns her head
Watches through the window as he pulls away
This is my anger at the world I don’t understand. The smashed glass conjures the image of something I used to self harm with. The music was the dance music that I hated, the music with too much bass that everyone was always playing. The slamming door was me closing out this odd world I did not understand as I retreated from that world.
Funny how your racing brain drives you so mad
When all the while you feel so numb
Too old to be clean, far too young to be broken
I see, hear, feel, smell, taste everything. Neurotypicals (NTs) can filter their inputs; I cannot. My brain overloads very often. When this happens, I feel like I’m going mad. I also feel numb because I cannot understand or relate to about 75% of NT communication. I cannot connect fully with your world. The last line was a wish that autism would not break me. It did several times, though, but I am still here to tell my tale.
I’m to old to be clean because the isolation and abuse suffered because of autism has driven me to attempt suicide too many times. I’ve seen too many dark things, had too many dark thoughts, and experienced too much to have a mind that is clean and free of scars and baggage and pain.
Like an army we come
Cut back, left behind
I watched you self-destructing oh so many times
We are 1-2% of the population. We have been held back, misunderstood, ignored. Now there can be diagnosis and help, and we need to be an army to force this forward in the rest of the world. We no longer should be left to self-destruct in our isolation.
Shot down, once again
Sitting in a chair crying
What am I going to do with my life?
Just learn to hide the way that you really feel
Never let them know that you’re scared
But understand that you’re not the special only one
Watch us now, watch us real close
This is me pre-diagnosis. I didn’t fit in, was shot down all the time. I couldn’t and still can’t fit in with the NT world. I didn’t fit into the world, I was always an outsider and was always told so again and again. I was used in 2 marriages by people who abused me over and over again. People have always known that I couldn’t cope and didn’t have a social safety net, and they’ve used it against me: Who are you going to tell? No one cares about you. You just don’t– or can’t– understand how things are.
And how does a man survive that kind of messaging? Even typing the words, the lyrics resonate as I sit in my chair crying.
I hid for 46 years trying to be normal, but I’m not doing that anymore. I’m autistic as f*ck and proud. It’s time to change the world to allow us to be part of it. I’m not the special only one, there is a world of us out there.
How we all dance with this fire ’cause it’s all that we know
And as the spotlight turns toward us, we all try our best to show
We are lost we are freaks, we are crippled, we are weak
We are the heirs, we are the true heirs, to all the world
Let’s go build a fire down on the empty beach when the waves are crashing high
White heat purify, as the sparks fly up into the great black sky
Sacrifice these crutches to the crackling flames
Stand as silhouettes against the dawn
Right now, there is a spotlight on autism. But their spotlight is to show that we are crippled, freaks, and weak compared to the neurotypical standard. We dance with the fire they point at us because it is all we know; its dangerous, but its our only choice.
We try to show who we are, authentically, while the NTs look at us as how we fit or don’t fit into their world. In their majority, among a crowd of them, I’m an aberration. They hate us while we are alive, but they hold us up as heroes after we have died, like da Vinci, Einstein, Tesla, Mozart, and Steve Jobs; however, while we are alive, we are denied the right to be heirs to our own legacies.
The last is a purification fire that gives us the warmth we miss out on from the NT world, the healing kindness that isn’t extended to us. It burns away from us the stigmas and the pain of isolation, abuse, and conformity imposed on us. With the light and heat of knowledge, we will no longer be seen as crippled and can throw away our crutches and be welcomed into society.
I’m a freak ha ha.
I am, but only through the NT lens. To me, they’re freaks.
I’m sure this isn’t a reflection of what the song was intended to mean, but I’m grateful to the New Model Army for a great song which has helped me to survive.
- Autism and Pica - September 19, 2019
- Autistic Communication Differences & How to Adjust for Them - June 9, 2019
- Isolation & Self-Help After an Autism Diagnosis - November 18, 2018
