I’m an autistic woman in a stable, mostly healthy marriage. I think our problems are minor compared to other people’s problems. But somebody needs to talk about autism and having sex. I guess that would be me.
Editor’s content notice: this article covers uncomfortable topics related to intimacy, masking, sex, coercion, sensory processing disorder, and difficulty communicating boundaries.
If I’m being honest, my sex life has tanked, moving from disappointing to disastrous.
I’m the one who realizes it’s disastrous, though, because I’m the one experiencing the disaster.
Originally, this was a longer article; however, after reader feedback, I’ve decided to split this into two separate articles. The second part, Sex Hacks for Sensory Avoiders, can be read by clicking here.
Words Mean Different Things to Me
My partner and I are very different when it comes to our personal needs. Our sensory profiles are polar opposite. I notice everything, feel everything, see everything, smell everything, taste everything, and all of that input is overwhelming at any time.
He notices very little external. He’s wholly consumed by what’s going on inside his head and body. For him, this is great. He can control what he senses and feels, to a degree, and is not as perpetually overwhelmed as me.
My sensory profile makes sex difficult. It doesn’t have to be, but another human is involved who is “normal” in the sexual arena. That makes this a social experience, and those don’t tend to go in my favor.
Noticing All the Things
Even if someone has brushed their teeth, I can smell the contents of their stomach churning. I can smell the inside of their nose. I can smell everything. I smell my body and yours, and the wall of scents swirl and close in on me, barricading me inside this invisible claustrophobic restraint.
When someone kisses my skin, hovers right over my face, breathes onto me, I’m awash in an empathetic intimacy overload and the fumes of bile and acid indigestion tinged with the mint of toothpaste.
They’ve left a slimy wet film of it on my forehead when they kissed it gingerly, and I panic because I want to throw them off and run away. The need to wipe it off is visceral and uncontrollable, but I’ll seem like a jerk because it’s not “normal” for me to feel this way.
But to me, for the intensity of the experience, they may as well have just emptied the juice from the bottom of a trash bag onto my face and neck.
Instead, I lie there and take it. I let that slime slick just fester on my forehead so that I can think of nothing else but that and the breath spiced with garlic, acid, and beer leading an uprising against my olfactory nerve.
I already know that my feelings are not typical– not even for someone with the sexual trauma I’ve experienced.
Eager hands grope and search, grope and search, the pressure not deep enough to keep me from feeling the insufferable intensity of electrified nerve endings burning through my fascia. Those hands travel over the spots that activate every insecurity and trauma association I have. Fingertips glide across my too-soft stomach, and I jerk and bat the offending hand away.
Every insecurity and shame I have is awakened. Like soldiers, they elbow their way to the forefront of my consciousness to report for duty. I’m supposed to be in the throes of passion, but I’m just being crushed by degradation and self-hate. The prying fingers move on and pause on a scar.
I notice everything.
My mask is so solid that I’m still appearing to be enjoying myself.
The exploration of my body graduates from fingers to mouth. Wiry beard pokes through my shirt, clings to my hair, debrides my neck. It is a million June bug legs, gripping and lifting, gripping and lifting.
I feel every micrometer of my skin like I live in five thousand bodies that are all communicating at once in screams and shrieks and languages I don’t speak.
The sensation remains even after my partner has moved on, a fire smouldering just under my skin.
The mouth sounds echo and reverberate through my head like a sadistic synesthetic ping pong ball lighting up every cortex of my short-circuiting brain. Why these noises bother me so much, I don’t know.
Wait Until Tomorrow
Always and without fail, my partner has a very obvious play when he wants to have sex. He starts by climbing in the bed and talking to me, which is not a huge part of our typical routine. It’s small talk coupled with cuddling, and those two things do not register very high on my sexual arousal meter.
I’m afraid he’s going to ask for sex, and I’m not ready for that. My day has been filled with overwhelm, I’m touched out, and I’m light years away from being in the headspace to have sex.
And almost every time, I ask him to wait until tomorrow. He doesn’t get it, and I don’t tell him. He doesn’t want to wait. He’s not mean about, and he’s willing to take the most minimal effort as a concession prize. “Give me a hand?” he pleads.
“If we do it tonight, then I’ll last longer tomorrow,” he promises. That’s not a selling point for me, at all. The conditions I need to be able to have– and enjoy– sex do not involve the promise of longer sex.
I don’t want to give a hand job. I don’t want to give a blow job. I don’t even want to watch and cheer.
What I want is a mutually-enjoyable experience, but I can’t get there this way. I mean, his drive is higher than mine, and he’s more flexible. I do try to accommodate him when it’s been a while, even if I’m not in the mood. He tries to coerce the mood, giving his best effort. This usually involves kissing, massage, licking, groping, whatever most people do when they are trying to inspire the mood.
It just doesn’t work for me, though. Maybe like two out of every five hundred attempts, but he thinks it’s worth the effort. What he doesn’t know is that it distresses me.
I try to weather the sensory tornado whipping into a welter inside me, the chaotic cacophony of sensory processing becomes sensory protesting.
He keeps begging, negotiating. He’s happy with anything and doesn’t complain, but I don’t want to do anything but to wait until tomorrow.
The unspoken truth is that I’m always the one who says no. I’m always the one who spoils it. I’m not spontaneous enough. I’m weird.
A few times, but rarely, he has expressed being hurt by my rejections. I’m terrified of that. I am very attracted to him, I love him, but sex is not casual to me like it is him, and I cannot get there quickly. I do not want to reject him, though, because that is an important part of expressing love and connection for him.
“Please, tomorrow.”
He will ask again, offer to just do it himself. He wants to kiss, but anything besides waiting until tomorrow will be too much for me. And, I won’t want it tomorrow because of tonight.
I feel like I’m not worth the wait. He never would say that, and he’s not thinking that, but that’s the message I receive in the moment. I’m feel like a slab of meat with no preferences or desires.
But it will take a long time for me to recover from my self-loathing and the unexpressed anger that I’m feeling.
Losing by Losing Harder
I start trying to explain myself, again. I’m feeling forced into explaining my autistic brain, again. There’s nothing less sexy than pathologizing my own sexual behavior and desire by detailing my rigidity, sensory sensitivities, and oddities, again. Autism and neuroscience make great pillow talk…
And now I’m that person who talks too much, again. I hate talking.
However it happens, it happens with no grace or style or excitement. I perform a duty under duress, or he takes care of himself, and I fake enthusiasm because I feel guilty for being so weird and difficult. He finishes and thanks me and tells me he loves me, then goes right to sleep.
Not me. My skin is still burning. It won’t stop. I rub and rub at those places so hard that they’re left raw. I’m trying to erase the feeling. It’s still there.
I stand up, walk around, pace. The sleep medications I had taken have passed their window of being effective. Now they’re just enough to make my restless legs jump.
I’m trying to outpace this meltdown. I rifle through the medicine cabinet, swearing at my conservative psychiatrist who sees my stress as if it is other people’s stress.
It’s not. I need elephant tranquilizers right now and he wants to give me something like Benadryl.
But this feeling won’t leave my skin. It grows roots under my flesh and spreads, a wildfire devastating my psychic ecosystem. I feel like some deranged character from Edgar Allan Poe’s discard pile.
Headphones would help, but I don’t remember them until the next day when I go to write about this disaster in an article. I can’t think of anything that will help.
He’s sleeping like a rock, and the pinnacle of my problem solving skills is the redundant refrain of contemplating dousing myself with gasoline. Tomorrow, I will wake up embattled and face the day starting with nothing to give.
Either the meltdown comes, or I’ve obliterated myself trying to externalize the sensations enough to control them… by self harming, or self medicating, or self loathing myself into a catatonic state.
If he had only waited until tomorrow…
It takes me a long time to be ready for sex. The dopamine flood of a new relationship made this easier to navigate, but that faded with time as it does with all long-term relationships.
Eventually, I had to go back to navigating my defiant neurology like a research scientist fumbling through trial-and-error or a high-stakes gambler betting the house on my ability to make it to the end without showing all my autism cards.
I am not asexual. I actually really enjoy sex, but only under the right conditions. These can be highly specific, and they always require time.
I have to have time. I have to prepare in advance, mentally. It’s takes a conscious effort to coordinate and rearrange my neural ruts so that I can be in the right gear. I can’t travel to places without first laying tracks.
It’s like I have to visualize a path to sexual desire, like a cosmic ribbon weaving itself in different directions, tying together each disparate cortex of my brain needed to make sex happen.
Then I’m ready.
If I can get there, I’m very ready. When it happens that way, I imagine what I experience is better than what most people experience.
Sex Isn’t Sex to Me
For me, it takes a lot of intellectual stimulation to want sex. Sex isn’t sex in my fantasy life, but a lot of converging energies and sensations that come from this volley of innuendo, metaphors buried deep in lyrics and poetry, and a building crescendo of anticipation.
The sex, at least, is not the fun part.
If he had waited until tomorrow, I would have started the process of preparing right then. I would have felt honored and respected and worth the wait, my feelings valued more than his physical gratification. That claustrophobic feeling of being coerced would’ve left me.
I would probably would have made it harder for him, no pun intended. Maybe that’s a little mean. Using explicit language whispered in his ear, I would’ve made a promise about the plans I had for the next day. He would’ve squirmed and groaned— and maybe it would have taken three minutes to fall asleep as opposed to his customary ten seconds.
And I would’ve spent an hour or two or three thinking about the next day and planning it, writing a script in my head.
Scripts for Sex
Yes, I’m aware that scripted sex might seem boring to most people. It’s a very autistic thing, sure.
But I’m a really good writer.
And to be frank, most of you approach sex with the finesse of an overzealous Saint Bernard. Your sloppy paw placement, profuse slobbering, aggressive panting, and lack of attention to detail is a hostile sensory assault.
Ideally, this wouldn’t be a one day event. The anticipation would build over the course of several days. There would be veiled text messages sent through the day while he was at work, thoughtfully placed and timed promises that almost seem like delicious threats, metaphors, massages without happy endings, until the anticipation grew to the point of delirium.
But, I could have made a lot of progress to that end in a day. It wouldn’t have been worthy of a chapter in some pop guru’s tantric sexual dynamics book, but it would’ve been better than a reluctant hand job– for both of us.
Prep also would mean that I did or did not do things that would kill the mood.
I could have avoided the foods and activities that cause me to feel sluggish or overwhelmed, taken time for self care, curated my playlist (songs and moves), timed my shower, worn something other than my most ragged underwear and sweatpants, tidied up the room, shaved my legs, held off on my sleep meds, and could have spent the time daydreaming about what might leave both of us reeling.
Consent
Consent is important, and sex is not something that is healthy to mask your way through as if you’re enjoying it when it’s not meeting your needs. Your whole life is probably like that, and having sex is harder every time you “put on a brave face.”
Your autistic partner might not get even your most fervent hints. They might see soft hints as an invitation to negotiate and not as a hard “no.” And you might have a hard time saying “no.”
It’s important to have these conversations first, before anything happens. Many autistic people may go mute during sex, whether it’s really good or it’s really bad sex.
Work out some signal or stop point that works for both of you, and respect that instantly. Work out a secondary “slow down” point, or a “don’t do that specific thing but keep going” signal.
Because without question, “taking one for the team” is not a good strategy. The more times you go along with it because you want to please your partner, the more you will associate sex negatively and the harder it will be to get back to a place where sex is mutually gratifying.
- Poetry: Cosmic Archaeologist - December 6, 2021
- A poem that shouldn’t exist and isn’t a real poem anyway - March 23, 2021
- Sensory Sex Hacks for Autistics - January 30, 2021
71 Responses
Everything you have written has been said many times before. You say you are a good writer and are pretending to be an autistic female. Instead of writing about the same old thing, why not pretend you are a male nt next time? There are millions of husbands who don’t have any sex life at all. It’s excruciatingly sad and lonely. You never mentioned how the aspie can overcome their reluctance to sensory overload and actually be there sexually for their partner. If you are a good writer like you say you are, then research strategies to help people stuck in these marriages have a happier life.
How about you apply some personal initiative to do your own research, since you are obviously intelligent enough to attack people you are probably intelligent enough to redirect that time and energy toward engaging in productive research instead.
I do relate to this and only now in my latter life I am beginning to work through all this stuff. I don’t feel so alone now I’ve read this. Thank you
Thank you so much for expressing how I feel. I’ve never heard anyone express it exactly how it feels – to need more time to prepare, mentally. I don’t feel so defective now.
Honestly I’m still trying to get through the article I had to just scroll down and leave a comment because I’m in the second section as you describe being able to smell someone’s bile within their body and your description of a kiss on the forehead and I’m inclined to believe you did not disclose any of this while dating your partner and I’m going through the same damn thing you are my husband and my relationship and he didn’t tell me squat about what he really thought and felt either this is deception I don’t care if it’s your inability to be honest or open then don’t engage in a relationship so honestly your entire honest article has me incredibly triggered because it seems not everybody is honest and then they’ll just default to blaming their diagnosis
You are projecting your triggers unfairly. This person is not responsible for making you feel comfortable by not talking about the things they experience. No where in this article is this person doing anything but explaining their experience. In fact, no where did they even blame their husband or call him anything bad. This is truly emotionally unaware behavior. Your feelings about this article are exactly that, a singular person’s feelings, and frankly, they do not matter because this article is detailing a very common autistic experience which goes completely unspoken about. This kind of content saves lives, because experiencing the things that autistic people factually do, and feeling as though you are the only one in the world, is incredibly isolating. Suicidally isolating. You have zero right to be bringing this here. It was completely uncalled for. Manage your triggers, there is an explicit content note at the top which you should’ve read and adhered to instead of dumping this on someone else’s shoulders for speaking up. It’s been estimated through research that up to around 60% of autistic people have experienced suicidal ideation, and up to around 35% reported attempts. We need to have these conversations whether you want to be a part of them or not. Whether you like that the author had been unable to communicate effectively or not, that was their reality and they should NEVER be expected to hide that for anyone’s mere comfort. Communication differences and barriers are very much intrinsic to autism. So, yes it is part of autism to be unable to effectively communicate “honestly”. You said, “If it’s your inability to be honest or open then don’t engage in a relationship.” How vile to say to an autistic person – hallmarks of which are communication difficulties (what you called “inability to be honest” – scientifically invalid.), and experiencing social and relational isolation. You are so far out of line.
Thank you so much for your intimate and brave, honest and heartfelt sharing. It resonates with much of my experience and is a relief someone else has found the strength to put it into words. I also hate that anyone would dare write a critical response to your post, but that says more about their lack of empathy than yours.
Run for the exit and don’t look back.
Sounds like a dying relationship. I don’t think it’s in your husband’s interest to stay, unless he’s okay sufferring.
Im the guy in this story. It sucks because my girlfriend seems to always be upset, has a belly ache, agitated, has acid reflex, is bloated, feels weird, or any other simile for feeling bad. 99% of the time she will be the one to initiate sex or touching and also will be the one to end it 5 minutes later. If we do have sex and I orgasm, she doesnt want to continue. So next time Ill try to touch her first, but she just gets over stimulsted no matter how gentle I try to be. It just makes me feel like an ass and a crappy lover.
Its not just limited to our sex life either. She never wants to meet my friends or family even though they live 10 minutes away from us… Whenever I (literally only twice in 2 years) bring it up, she gets defensive and asks if it bothers me…. but what I supposed to say? That it does and then have to endure her suffering because I wanted her to meet my family? Yet I always look forward to and enjoy spending time with her family. Imagine how it feels when explaining to your mom why she hasn’t met your girlfriend of 2 years yet even though she lives just downtown. Or lying to your best guy friend about your relationship being okay even when it seems like he can tell something is up. This is my first relationship too, so I feel especially lost and helpless…. My gf only recently got diagnosed with level 1 autism after going to a local DR.
Reading this article makes me feel like trash. I dunno if my gf feels like how the woman who wrote this does. I hope not. A part of me wants to leave her but Im scared to I guess….
Often times, instead of going to see her after work, I’ll just go to my house or ride my bicycle around all day. Honestly, when I go to her house it feels like my day has ended. Dinner time? Another stressful time of day because she has a weird relationship with food. I just really don’t know anymore….
I realize what I wrote can sound mean or something, but you gotta understand what its like being the other person. Whenever I read another post or article written by the other person in a relationship with an autistic person, everybody just craps on them and probably assumes theyre some kind of evil hating bastard…. I try to be so patient and understanding all the time, and I have been, but its challenging and I fear I wont be forever. Even she has said to me that Im so patient but expressed the same fear. I just dont know how long until I no longer care.
Your experience 100% lines up with mine! Thanks for sharing. It has gotten easier, but I think it is helpful to share like you have so a conversation can be had about it. Open to any advice on how to communicate this without upsetting the autistic partner. Basically we agree to sex on Wednesday and Sundays which can be a depressing thought but it can be a place to start, but also can create tension since it usually ends up just being Sundays and makes tension if I can tell she knows it’s the day but she’s obviously not in the mood. I’ve ended up just caring about sex less since I’ve committed to the relationship but would still love advice on it. When I bring up the fact that I haven’t initiated in years she says that’s it’s upsetting because I can’t see that she’s trying.
You guys both need to break up with your girlfriends. Guys always wait until they have another girl lined up to break up when they’re not happy instead of having a spine. This sounds terrible, being stuck in this “agreement” even when she isn’t in the mood. After reading this wrenchingly honest piece of writing, you are both thinking about your own feelings and not hers. Break. Up.
Hi José, my name is Agustina and I’m autistic too, I’m also been married for 10 years. What your partner describes happens exactly the same to me, but I actually have a harder time saying no or creating boundaries when it comes to sex. What she is experiencing is part of autism, and it is quite simple to navigate once you get a grasp on it. You need to do the following (at least some of these, I don’t know you guys, but I’m positive this could maybe help):
1. When you want to have sex with her, you need to speak a lot, explaining, planning like she does (try to be sexy about it, it will help both of you) what you want from her, what you are going to do. Yes, we *need* predictability for our nervous system to adjust properly. This is *not* a personality thing, she cannot change that.
2. Instead of asking for it (try to quit porn, it is hurting the way you understand how to create a good environment for sex) or negotiating (the more you ask, the more pressure you create), you can use her overwhelming sensory experiences to advantage. It usually comes to a point when they are so much, they get confusing and they cancel each other. So, instead of asking or negotiating, or trying “normal” foreplay (as in *only* using your hands or mouth in one specific area for foreplay, as it happens in porn), hold her tight in an embrace of her whole body and *then* start kissing her neck, for example. What happens is that everything gets blurry in our brains, because sensory inputs are happening all at the same time, and we have a hard time distinguishing every little bit… Therefore, the experience becomes more tolerable, and later, more enjoyable. Use the overwhelming sensory input to advantage!
3. There is something in her routine that is stressing her a lot, more than she tells you. In my case, it was cooking. I hate it, so, so deeply, and yet I was in charge of the whole thing. When my husband took over cooking, I suddenly found the energy and motivation do have a sparkling clean house, and my stress levels dropped, helping a lot with my libido. The sensory input and general stress of cooking was destroying my system.
4. Make sure she is not exposed to what (in daily life) hurts her senses. *THERE IS NO WAY TO MAKE THE AUTISTIC BRAIN LESS SENSITIVE*. It does not work in the way allistic brain works, in which you get less sensitive to something if you continue to expose yourself to it. If you do that to an autistic brain, she will havee shutdowns, meltdows, get very very sick (all the symptoms you describe are typical from this situation) and eventually, she will reach autistic burnout and she will *lose* abilities that she gained over the years.
I hope this helps. There is a lot more to explain but I was trying to be brief. If somebody needs advice or help with this, please reach me at vegaagustina@gmail.com.
No matter what others say I really appreciate how you wrote this. I’ve been forced a few times since I was an infant and now I don’t know if I like sex or I’m scared not to do it. I dissociate every time or I have to have some liquid courage. But since I was diagnosed late in life as an adult I’ve been trying to find out if it’s what I want or not. This article really resounds with me. I do hate being touched in general, but I literally can’t say no. I go nonverbal and then I dissociate. I have enjoyed reading this article and hope I can’t take what I have learned from it and apply it to myself. Thank you. And just ignore the idiots who left comments. Btw my husband is very loving and wonderful and we have good communication. Maybe these other idiots should try that. Real men don’t press. They love.
Wow. After reading this I wonder if this would resonate with my wife. I’ve been looking for articles that may articulate what my wife feels. We’ve been married for almost 12 years and we’re in our mid 30’s now. Whilst dating, we were very physical- maybe even too physical, too early in our relationship. Sex before marriage has weighed on our conscience ever since, we both knew that wasn’t a good spiritual decision. 12 years later and I’ve grown to know myself, I love being intimate with my wife, more often than I’d care to admit. I would everyday, no problem. With slow unselfish gentle service to her, in any possible way she wants it. I apologize if that’s Tmi. We’ve also grown to know her. She is on the far far far opposite end. She does not like sex at all. She needs a long time to want it. I try to be in supreme fit condition, clean, strong, gentle, thoughtful, introspective. I have no health problems, I don’t curse or yell, I’ve never smoked and I’m not on any medications. I’m decent looking. I’m no saint, but my point is I’m not gross, or a bad husband- she tells me all the time. I’m not bragging at all, I’m just saying there’s nothing about me that repels or repulses her, she even tells me- because I’ve asked just trying to figure out if there’s something I can change for her to be more attracted to me. But sex for her is a chore of obligation. I really feel bad that I have such a high libido, and hers is rock bottom. But reading this article, I think maybe this may give words to her feelings. She suspects she’s on the spectrum, she said she admitted this to her best friend when they were teens. I had no idea. I feel for her, and I will do my best to be the husband she needs. I will never leave her.
I can’t believe how many people wrote negative comments in response to this article. I’m thankful for the author for sharing her experience, which is similar to mine in many ways, and I’m also thankful that my husband understands my sensory sensitivities and works with me through them. I wish it were easier though and I’ve been practicing buddhist meditation to help me not react negatively to my sensory sensitivities, which has been helpful in many ways so far, but I still have a ways to go.
Love this! My wife insists on skimming through social media when she’s overstimulated. I tell her there’s no way that can be helpful with that but I take her word for it.
Some ways of handling overstimulation seem counterintuitive, but aren’t, like many people listen to really loud music to help with overstimulation.
This feels like a no-win situation for everybody involved. The husband is trying to get his needs met in the way that is natural for him and the rest of the NT world. The wife has a list of things that stress and trigger her that take away from her enjoyment of sex. In the end, neither person is fully satisfied. The sad part is that these two people could separate and he could have a very happy and healthy sexual relationship with an NT partner but she will always be stuck in the same place but maybe with a less understanding partner. This is very unfortunate. Neurodivergent marriages have an 80%-85% divorce rate and sexual compatibility is one of the big reasons.
Everyone who left a comment projecting their own feelings onto the author’s honest portrayal of her experience (mostly men of course) need to get a therapist immediately.
Anyways, I came across this article tonight trying to find informs on why i experience sex the way I do as an AFAB autistic person. I’ve never read something that is so accurate for being my inner experience of sex for my entire life. I am speechless and so happy I found this.
The only other thing that needs to be said is that coercion does NOT equal consent. If your partner is ever pushing you physically or verbally after you have said no, that is rape. That’s jarring for a lot of people to sit with but it is, and most rape takes place during marriage. Any resistance or saying no or simply not giving the go ahead is not consent. If a person proceeds when you do absolutely anything besides give them a non coerced yes, they are raping you.
I agree and feel like no wonder she feels worthless when he won’t stop coercing her into having sex.
THANK YOU for this article. You’ve managed in one reading to make me feel less alien and f*cked up, like actually my experience is ‘normal’ by autistic standards. I’ve already shared it with 2 people.
So let’s get this straight you have all these issues but no attempt at a solution or coping mechanics leaving your husband feeling even more so undesirable. And you can’t even give these tips to other autists who need them. You do a bunch of complaining with no solution or attempt at self change. It doesn’t matter your ability or disability your in a relationship that’s required to meet half way
Jo – did you even read the whole article? She said there needs to be a build up to it. She needs to be given time, there needs to be intimacy beforehand, little texts about what she’ll do to him & it would probably help if he’d do the same. This husband is basically coercing her into sex & that is not enjoyable. Not sure if she’s managed to speak to him about her feelings, hopefully she can. She can’t help how she feels & she bloody has met him more than halfway- by coercing her into sex whenever he wants it, he’s basically raping her. That’s never going to turn a woman on.
I am so happy to read this article and have someone put into words what I feel but can’t explain. You are awesome and I’m not so alone! Thank u.
Im also one of the men on the opposite side of this article, i dont try to talk her into sex, i even barely initiates it anymore, but then i get flag for not initiating, no matter which one of us initiated, it only takes one tiny wrong move for her to stop it completely and have a meltdown, and she will tell me horrible things and everything is my fault, she also masks during sex and then might later use it against me, complaining i could not tell that she did not like it.
Im trying to talk to her about it, thinking if we could have some communication in the moment we could avoid her being pulled out of it and melt down, but then she says im just selfish and making it all about me, i am supposed to feel her and read her mind in the moment, and its heartbreaking for me that i just cant always do that.
I dont know what to do to get it right, i am sincerely trying. Things can be absolutely great, and it takes one second to make it all fall apart, i always remain calm and forgiving but it does not go both ways.
Damn so do I break up or just keep watching porn and hoping one day we can have a normal sexual relationship. It’s like she’s blind to the fact that I’m a man and would like to have sex with my gf. Goddam if the bed isn’t completely cleared of clothes and your alarm hasn’t been properly set and whatever other bullshit excuse you can come up with is out of place. It fucking sucks to love someone so much and go from having sex like normal people to it being this delicate balance of time, mood, energy, and desire confined to a few very specific moments. It creates so much pressure that I feel like if I don’t get it right, I’m not gonna have sex again for a while. Boom not performance anxiety comes into play, and I’m too worried about staying hard to fully enjoy the moment. It’s so frustrating, I feel like I can’t initiate sex unless it’s a moment that she’s predetermined to be viable for initiating sex. Which is weird because she once initiated sex with me in a crowded public park. I don’t get it. I’m so sad. I have 90% of what I want in a year partner. It feels illogical to throw it away just for 10% that’s mostly sex, ,but damn I love sex.
If sex is important to you, you will need to break up. She is wired this way and it’s not going to change. You are going to be stuck masturbating to porn and not getting the intimate connection that you need. She may not need this but you do. You can only give so much of yourself to support her needs but at some point, your needs need to be important. I learned the hard way and I can tell you that it takes a lot out of you. I’m in a relationship with an NT woman now and it’s difficult because she’s responsive and reciprocates and it feels so awkward after years of my needs and desires being unmet.
For me, it reached the point where I wanted sex but I no longer viewed her as a sexual creature. There was no desire for her because the negativity was so high. All of the adjustments in the relationship were my adjustments to accommodate her. Accommodation should go both ways but this is very hard for somebody who is autistic.
If you love her, it’s hard. It was very hard for me because I deeply loved her but the constant rejection was killing me from the inside out. I know it wasn’t her fault but that didn’t change how I hurt and it was never going to get better. I know that she will probably never find somebody who can make her truly happy if sex is part of the relationship. Her other autistic traits were manageable and I hardly noticed them after a while but the lack of sex and closeness was too much.
Hi both, I’m also a NT guy on the other side. My wife and I have been together 20 years. She never had an autism diagnostic but I have suspected for a long time she was on the spectrum and after she had a burn out in her 40’s, all pieces went together and I started reading about autism in women. I told her about it, we very openly talk about it. I don’t know if she does not want to know or if she does, but she thinks it does not matter to get a diagnostic. I don’t have the slightest doubt she is autistic. Like eveyrthing, she needs to process those things slowly, she is coming to the same conclusion as me now.
We met in our early 30’s. She had a series of chaotic relationships before me. Sex has been amazing at the begining, like one of you described, she was just crazy about it, she initiated all the time and enjoy some weird, public spaces, that was fun. I guess the “new relationship” energy was just overhelming and uncontrolable to her, to my utmost satisfaction. And then like it is often for long term couples, after two decades and two kids things got different. We went through this phase where she was non longer interested in sex. I could tell she felt every aproach like an agression and never intitiated. We had many conversations about that, it was not easy, she did not like talking about that, she cannot express those things, she does not have the words to express feelings. She never says (she never did) she loves me for instance, but I know she does. It went to a point I had to tell her that sex was part of a relationship and without it, we would be falling appart. There was a time she was “consenting” to sex, performing an obligation. Let me tell you it was satisfying for neither of us. It’s not just about sex for me, it’s about being desired and wanted.
She is also not very expressive during sex, no sound, no screams, nothing, but of course you can tell when she enjoys and when she does not. It’s all about learning the signs, it’s not easy, signs are just strange and unexpected, it takes some times to get it, it’s like learning a foreign language.
At this point there was only two ways, get a divorce or find a way out. She is THE one for me, I enjoy everyhting else with her, her bizzare traits are weirdly appealing to me and I thought it would be a shame to loose it “just” for sex, but at the same time you both know like me how important it is for men to feel desired and wanted. Thanksfully she is an extremely smart person (she is a mathematician, typical autistic job!) and we worked it through.
We decided we had to have sex at least once a week, that was non skipable but that could happen whenever she felt like it. It appears she is a creature of habits and it often happens at the same time during the week and in the same circumstances (we like week-end naps). Sometimes it comes unexpectedly during the week but not very often.
She just needs to think about it and get prepared. Prelim are not your typical ones, she likes to be wrapped in my arms for a while to get aroused for instance. The grammar is different than it was with my previsou relations but once she is in it then it’s like with any other woman. She knows she can ask for things or say no to other. I can always propose, really anything, and she knows she can say no and I won’t be offended. This trust really helps.
It’s not always easy but on the other hand I have never been with such a loyal and frank person. I know she would never forgive a betrayal because it’s simply not somehting she could do herself. She is brutally and bluntly honnest, she does not play games. Sometimes it’s still tough, a little white lie does help in a couple, but when somehting positive is said, you know it’s 100% true and authentic.
I won’t lie, living with an autistic girl is not a walk in the park and if you are young and in a new relationship, keep your head cold and think about the futur. Because it will never change, they cannot change. You’ll have to adapt. Either you can cop with it or you should make yourself a favor and end the relation.
This article is really gross. You are unhinged and needs to get mental help
This may have just changed my life. Or saved it.
Not only do I resonate with your experiences, but I feel half less alone in mine. I’m sitting on the floor of my bathroom, makeup sprawled all around. Tears stifled because date but nervous system activated and the snakes are shimmy-ing from navel to behind my nose because of your words. I find myself hoping and curious whether you felt clarity and cathartic value in expressing these exact sensations. I can’t help but begin to write my own post in my head even as I type this.
I don’t know what I am. These days the lines and overlaps between adhd and ASD are so profound that they’re argued in every direction. I relate to both so I try now, in my 41st year on this planet, to begin to accommodate both—though I’ve only been formally diagnosed with the first.
In moments of intimacy (but all the time if we’re being honest) I too sense it all. Feel it all. The blink before a look, the micro gasp before a muscle tenses, and I can’t help but painstakingly try to collect each and every reading of my parter into data I can understand. It’s exhausting and somewhere in the soup… my pleasure and sensation and soul and voice exists.
I stumbled upon you and this in a frantic pre-date Google search surrounding “how to find your voice in bed/how to express during sex/neurodivergence and sexual expression” …. I’ve just never been able to do all the things. I’m not like everyone else and it feels like a constant failure to thrive so I thought I’d try and learn how to do it our way… my way…
Thank you for writing this. Thank you very very much for sharing it.
After a breakup, I was ready to try something new and interesting. I found out about fetish hookup through a special dating site and it was a revelation for me – I found people who understand me and my desires. I can share my fetishes with others without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. It’s like I found a kindred spirit with whom I can be myself. I’m very glad I decided to try this site and now I recommend it to anyone who is looking for something similar.
First time I tried to leave this comment it said ‘Nonce Test Failed’! RUDE lmao! Sent the writer a review and big thanks for this suuuuper helpful article. As a possibly neurotypical man with a very autistic partner (she’s 100% convinced I’m autistic. Having 50 hobbies is typical, right?), I sometimes struggle to understand her and consider her needs. This article helped me see that some of her traits are likely autism and not an issue with me. Apparently I am not the centre of the world? The neurodivergent community is the loveliest on the internet. A real ray of sunshine in contrast to the pit of hell communities that are plenty now. Maybe one day I will be cool enough to join you. Thanks again