I have had an ongoing fight with my self-hatred. Being black and autistic it sometimes feels like I got more self-hate than I know what to do with. That hatred can become all consuming if I don’t remember to take a moment to be grateful.
Self-hate is a tricky thing to talk about for me. When I look back and realize how long I have sat with that resentment towards myself, it’s a wonder that I have held it together as long as I have. I am continuously appreciative of the autistic community and their continued support. Without it, I don’t think I would have made it this far.
I actually meant to write something for Autistic Pride Day. The fight for maintaining my sanity during the coronavirus and Black Lives Matter protests just seemed to engulf everything.
For a time it just seemed like the enormity of these issues would swallow me whole. It frustrates me so much to talk about the same things over and over again. Some days I just didn’t want to even get on social media.
Then yesterday I saw overwhelming solidarity among the autism community. It was nice, being able to watch autistics reach out and understand each other. I am continuously appreciative and amazed by that support on social media.
It reminded me that social media could connect people and bring forth an understanding of lives and experiences. Sometimes I sincerely forget that social media’s original objective isn’t about being fodder to ad-driven monsters. It’s to create groups that understand and stand together to a greater understanding.
I sincerely believe that self-hate poisons the soul. I also believe that on a certain level modern society profits off of that self-hatred. Only by self-awareness, honest acceptance, and understanding will the human race ever reach our full potential.
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