My Species

I am a 50 year old man.

I have two states: fully engaged in my thoughts or mind-numbingly bored and searching for something to do. I am either focused on something or fidgeting in a limbo state. I fidget, pace, tap and drum in an attempt to steady my high-tempo rhythm.  

Others’ body language alone is enough to de-motivate me and cause me to retreat without a word. I would always walk rather than get a bus, regardless of weather.

I was curious to know if there were others like me.

They may have a different blend of characters but the underlying pattern will still be there. They could be of any race, gender, or age, and they don’t fit with what other people expect of them. Someone who functions on a different plane, someone who notices details that others don’t, someone who might get irritated at the sound of a gas meter two rooms away that nobody else hears, someone who has (or had) exceptionally detailed vision but can’t deal with bright lights, someone who is always looking to understand the very fundamentals of everything.

I often forget to eat, and I have to make an effort to schedule a meal. When I do eat, I really appreciate the flavours, smells, textures, and colours.

I am mesmerised by cycles and rhythms that I cannot easily put into language. I think a bit deeper and more energetically than other people I know.

Now I am curious to know how many there are of us.

I feel emotions at depths that I cannot begin to describe, so to put it simply I live in heaven, hell, or limbo. I auto-select heaven, which is any positive frame of mind, but sometimes I’m pushed into hell.

When I am in hell, I go deep. My psyche has a warrior aspect to protect it and defend stability, but my physical body takes a battering as I drop sleeping and eating routines.

On viewing some work of art people may say, “How beautiful is that.” I think what buttons does that press in me to make that beautiful to me. I see things and put things together in different ways than other people I know.

I look for the basic principles and reconstruct the situation to see if it feels the same. Tricks and lies tend to stand out when I do this. By the way, for me, beauty is the smooth and effortless understanding of positive information gained from the subject, it fits beautifully.

Others like me might share my advantages:

My positive emotions are enhanced; I am usually very optimistic and enthusiastic, and I live with an underlying gusto.

My boosted curiosity leads to understandings that enrich my mental maps, a different map for each different frame of mind.

I do not crave the superficial.

I am extremely curious and analytical. I enjoy solving problems.

I have been able to explain my thought processing to my wife over the years so she can have a sense of understanding when I want to disappear from all humans, and it’s not her fault in any way at all.

I push at maximum as default.

I have high energy levels.

I have a deeply-bonded, loving marriage. I love my wife, kids, and grandchildren with the very essence of my existence. My siblings have no idea how important they are to me.

I love extremely deeply.

I learn lots because I buzz with curiosity about lots of things.

I can very much and enjoy communicating when I think I am being understood. I don’t shut up if someone wants to listen.

I like to ponder why I function the way I do.

I seem to be running the Asperger’s edition of the human brain with enhanced emotional boost as this edition’s defining feature.

Things about me that might be thought of as odd:

Still, at 50 years old, while others may be salivating with anticipation of the perfect burger or sandwich that they are about to chomp into, I on the other hand am thinking about not biting my fingers…  again… Wow, that really hurts, man. Definitely worth remembering to avoid that again.

 I see myself and the environment in as many different ways as possible to get the biggest and highest resolution picture as I can. I like to look for patterns in cycles, I like to smooth and simplify them. I connect to reality on a different level.

My physical body is a symbiotic symphony of electro-bio-chemistry mainly made up of other non-human creatures and chemicals. My mind and awareness is my interpretation of my neural cell function in real-time. I am unique, as are we all. I think, therefore I am alive. I think my cognitive functions are working OK.

I know the fundamental difference between good and bad.

 Positive cycles are symbiotic and good for mind, body, and environment.

 Negative cycles are parasitic and bad for mind, body, and environment.

 It is my understanding that symbiotic cycles (that blend with and support other existing +ve cycles) strengthen and support our physical and psychological systems, and parasitic cycles destroy them. It is black and white to me; any grey bits are bits that have not been sufficiently looked at yet.

My moral foundation is simple.

Helping myself and my environment [including other people] is good. = (symbiotic cycle).

Hurting myself and my environment [including other people] is bad. = (parasitic cycle).

My logical understanding so far of how I think I’m different:

My signalling neurons of my brain are more energetic. I thought the difference might be in the periaqueductal gray and it should be measurable as a difference in the ratio of input/output signal strength. I wondered if extra neurons are in the PAG cluster. I think that my I/O signal ratio would favour the output signal as compared to “common” brains if there is a boost from the PAG.

At this point, I think this could be the root of my difference and possibly autism. However, I am aware of my limited knowledge, and it may be some other suspected areas of the brain that are responsible. I am attributing the periaqueductal grey with the role of good/bad processor, but the extra energy does not have to originate there if neurons are running faster than normal as recent research indicates. [Link here] There is also recent research which has shown differences in autistic RNA [Link here]; are we the genesis of a speciation event? The thought amuses me.

To my mind, anyone born with uncharacteristically strong brain signals would generate similar behavioural traits and strategies to my own. Perhaps the autism spectrum can be mapped to a range of signalling energies and processing frequencies? The emotional energy.

My quanta of emotional energy seems larger than average.

At least, my present understanding my larger quanta of emotional energy could explain all of my traits.

I could be wrong of course… if you know different then, I would like to hear alternative theories.

Scio mens Deo

I might also come with a slightly-inflated ego.


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2 Responses

  1. Your not alone! You lost me on the neuron stuff,but that’s ok, I never question the why just the how to survive in a NT world. As my masks come off it’s worse. You are blessed to have a loving wife who stands with you. I am so happy for you. Adult ASD people are many!! But this world right now is about helping the children with ASD. And that is wonderful,but a lot of us adults are thought of as throw always, we are told that we have dealt with this for this long(as a neurologist told me) so what’s the problem?! (Lord help them many are so clueless) Age and health getting worse took my job, after 35 yrs. I am……. can’t find words. Hold on to those who accept you as you are,a lot of us don’t have that. God bless you!
    I love who I am, And read your article and saw me and don’t feel so alone,thank you for shareing

    1. Thanks Debby, I strongly agree that children are the number one priority and should get the quality time they need. I see the root of the problem in a time and cash selfish culture. If culture doesn’t have time for its children then the culture will inevitably fail. If listening to children, or adults, is not important then why is there so many counsellors repairing so many damaged minds these days? I doubt many counsellors would be needed if those people were listened to in the first place. It seems to me that people are groomed into selfishness in order for others to make a profit from them.

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