Autism, Asexuality, and the (Almost) 40 Year Old Virgin

Truth time:  I am thirty-six years old, and I have never had sex—no matter how one chooses to define sex

Heck, I’ve never even kissed anyone. 

It sounds more than a little bit shocking, since most people don’t make it through junior high school without swapping spit with somebody, but here I am, rapidly hurtling toward middle age, and yet… I have never mingled any of my bodily fluids with those of another person. 

Until recently, this was my deepest, most embarrassing, most painful secret.  I always employed a “neither-confirm-nor deny” policy regarding my sexual status; I was ashamed, and I just let people assume what they would.

But no more.    

First things first: I positively detest the word ‘virgin.’  I detest everything that it connotes, everything that it implies—modest, pure, unsullied, chaste, undefiled, childlike, uninitiated, etc. 

So I’ve never engaged in any type of sexual activity with another person. Big deal. It doesn’t make me less of an adult, and I’m not particularly innocent. Besides, in pre-Christian times, virgin had an entirely different definition, one that I have recently reclaimed. “The word didn’t always mean ‘untouched.’ In fact, once upon a time, it was specifically used to describe a free woman—independent, autonomous, untied. Her own sovereign. Her own lover.”

Yes, that’s better. Much.

There was a time, not so long ago, that I thought I wanted to have sex. I thought I was missing out on one of the most important aspects of what it means to be a human, to be alive. I mean, if you have access to any kind of media outlet whatsoever, you know that we are inundated with sex, sex, sex almost around the clock because, duh, sex gets people’s attention

Everybody likes sex, right? At least, every normal person does, right?

I spent most of my life striving to achieve some semblance of that normality. ‘Normal’ folks grow up, have sex (it’s considered a major milestone, a hugely significant right of passage), get married, and have kids—not necessarily in that order, mind you—and I convinced myself that that’s what I wanted, too. 

But… I’ve known since I was fourteen years old that I did not, in fact, want to. 

I vividly remember the exact moment it dawned on me. I sat at the desk in my bedroom, writing some pathetic attempt at an Emily Dickinson-esque poem titled “Solitaire,” a poem in which I mourned the things I knew intrinsically that I would never have.

We are all conditioned pretty much from birth to believe that the pursuit of what they call ‘true love’ is our most important mission in life, and I was no exception at all.

Despite my deep-down knowledge of myself, I yearned to experience romantic love, probably because I was told at every turn to want it—besides, who doesn’t want it?  I clung to a tiny shred of hope that I might someday turn normal, but, I knew, and as the years flew, by I still hadn’t had my first kiss. 

What kind of freak was I?  Anyone who has ever seen The 40 Year Old Virgin knows for a certifiable fact that Andy Stitzer is portrayed as a pathetic loser who lives alone with his collection of action figures and video games.  Long story short, though, Andy eventually gets some action and at long last becomes a real man instead of some unfulfilled, juvenile nebbish who still plays with toys intended for children

This very cringe-worthy film, while intended to be hilarious, struck a major nerve with me: it was me they were mocking.   

But today, I am flipping the bird with confidence to anyone who wants to turn me into the butt of some big societal joke of a stereotype. Finally—finally—I have found two missing, major pieces: I am Autistic, and I am an aromantic asexual.

Like a lot of autistic folks, I dislike physical contact (even friendly hugs). I have an honest-to-goodness aversion to any kind of sexual contact; the mere idea of somebody else’s saliva in my mouth seriously makes me want to vomit. Also, the human body, at least from navel to knees, really, really grosses me out. It’s important to note that not every asexual person is repulsed by sex, but I most definitely am. 

Recently, I gave a long-distance romantic relationship a try. I thought maybe I could get over it. The other person is also on the spectrum, the two of us have a great deal in common, and I genuinely enjoy conversing with them, but… they are physically attracted to me, and that makes my skin crawl. 

It goes even further, though: I have zero desire to make myself accountable to any kind of romantic partner.  I’m set in my ways, sure of who I am, and very disinclined to turn my life upside down for anyone. 

There is very little existing research to verify any kind of correlation between autism and asexuality, but it’s safe to say that not every autistic person is asexual, nor is every asexual person autistic. But I am both, and to my mind, there is a connection there.

If I am being true to myself, I have no interest in sex, or in romantic love—for me, love is the stuff of the old Jane Austen novels. I have never experienced that kind of love, and frankly, I’m convinced that I am just not hardwired to experience it. 

I love my family, I love my pets, and I love the written word. My work is my passion—I recently wrote a novel, which I am hoping to publish someday soon, and I have never felt more myself, more alive, than when I was knee-deep in the creative process and construction of that 325 page manuscript—and I cannot imagine feeling that kind of passion for another human being.

At the end of the day, no matter who might beg to differ, there is nothing wrong with me. My neurotype and my sexuality (or lack thereof) are real and valid. Sexual identity, like autism, is a spectrum—some people are gay, some are straight, some are bi- or pansexual, some are something else entirely—and I am asexual. 

I’m not broken or defective, I’m not a ‘freak,’ and I’m not missing out on anything important to me. I don’t need romance or sex to be satisfied, complete, content, or even happy.  As a matter of fact, I am all of the above.   

I will never get over it, because there is nothing to get over.   

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15 Responses

  1. As a 42 year old virgin asexual male who identifies as gender “Not Even Te Same Species” I sure can relate. The only thing I am missing is any king of meaningful human connection. I would (probably only for a short time) welcome anyone to even ridicule me about it.

    1. The meaning of the term was not always “dordle.” In point of fact, there was a period when it was particularly used to refer to a free woman who was independent, autonomous, and unbound. Her own independent monarch. Her own own companion

  2. My point was that I have no one to even pass such a judgment on me. Sometimes I even feel that I would gladly accept judgement and ridicule (for something that I personally consider not important and mundane) just to feel included. I don’t feel any shame about being a vigin or asexual. For some reason I am just incapable of maintaining a relationship on a most basic acquaintance level. Don’t get me wrong, I am not some kind of an “friendship incel” feeling entitled to people giving a shit about me. I just feel lonely and hopeless not speaking to anyone for weeks, even months at a time. Drinking and crying myself to sleep every day.

    1. I’ve struggled with this too. I found friends through online games and forums with people that had similar interests to me. I’ve found many communities online that I would have never found in any other way.

  3. Everything here is so true. I was told so much in high school I was supposed to get with boys or people just assumed I had a boyfriend. If I said I wasn’t interested then I was told I was judgmental or that I hadn’t found the right person or that I was saying the statement because I would never find anyone because of personality or my looks. It’s annoying. I found the word asexual online in my early years of college through tumblr and then I finally found the word that described me. I know who I am so I try not to let them define what they think I want.

    1. I wish I had had the courage to be my authentic self a long time ago (Tumblr wasn’t a thing yet when I was in college, and I had no idea that a human being could actually be asexual!). Anyway, thank you so much for reading!

  4. After many, many years of considering this, I have decided that I am probably gray-aroace. I’m not totally disinterested in romance and sex and would give it a shot if anyone ever came along I was especially attracted to as a partner, but it also wouldn’t be the end of the world if it never happened for me. The odd thing is that, as a writer, I actually enjoy writing about these things in fiction–it’s just not a huge priority for me in real life. I guess it’s like how Arthur Conan Doyle wasn’t actually a detective?

  5. I am an autistic gray asexual. I entirely believe that there is a correlation between being autistic and being asexual, as I know several other autistics who are both. I am not sex-averse at all, but I don’t like kissing other than “pecks” and I don’t like bodily fluids at all. I like the feeling of it, to a certain extent, but it can quickly get overwhelming. I didn’t even masturbate until I did it by accident when I was 22 or 23. That also gets to my former Catholic conditioning, which I know you can relate to. I simply have no “desire” at all to have sex. My wife must always initiate things, and what we do, most people would just consider it foreplay.

    1. Kind of a personal question, but if you don’t mind sharing, I’d love to know how you deal with bodily fluids? I mean, maybe someday I could interested in pursuing a relationship after all, but I have absolutely no idea how to get around the bodily fluids thing. If you have any advice, I would absolutely love to hear it. If you don’t want to share, I completely understand. Anyway, thank you so much for reading!

  6. I’m 33, and I am in the same boat as far as sex or kissing (as well as autism) goes. I wouldn’t call myself asexual because I’ve always had sexual desire and also just, more broadly, the desire to connect with others at a deeper level (which doesn’t really come naturally to me). But in terms of bodily fluids, yeah, I’ve always felt disgusted about all of that (though in a way that is somewhat ambiguous–like a certain degree of intrigue, mixed with disgust and repulsion).

  7. I LOVE this ❤️ I’m asexual, too. And autistic. I don’t have a full on sex aversion, I just don’t see the point of it. I’d rather do something else with my time.

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