I am an autistic teenager who has been forced into attending court-ordered applied behavior analysis therapy, or ABA. These are the experiences that led me to run into traffic to get away from it.
From what I’ve experienced with behavior therapy, I feel like the RBT therapists who want to “help” me actually belittle me, make me feel incapable of doing what I can do, and constantly push me to do tasks as simple as flash cards, analog clock quizzes on an iPad, and easy reading comprehension way below my ability level.
The flash cards they make me do are like inference and idioms for third graders. I guess this a result of the cheesy stereotype about people with autism taking things literally. They make me take notes in a notebook on how many I got right or wrong. They even collect data on how many times I apologize.
I feel like a lab rat in a maze and the cheese at the end is when I get to go home. I don’t know what I’m doing there. I’ve asked them what were my goals, and they said that they always change until I am eighteen. This was devastating, because I thought if I played along and tried, I would “graduate” out of ABA.
Every time they tell me to work harder, I physically can’t because of all the other children in other rooms screaming their heads off. There’s also the music on the other iPads that the other kids use, too.
I can’t handle hearing young children screaming, and it’s happening all the time. Sometimes, they have very young kids in the room with me, as young as three years old. This is not just because of autism and noise sensitivity. I never see anyone comfort the kids who are screaming.
The sound is constant, like a horror movie soundtrack. They tell me that I’ll “have to get used to it” every time I ask what the children are screaming about behind the gates.
I’m always told that I am “scripting” every time something is difficult; for example, when I said I didn’t like how something made me feel, they said, “You’re just scripting.” Scripting is repeating words someone else said, so telling me that is like saying because I am autistic, I can’t even have feelings or talk about them.
I also have to make physical eye contact with them no matter what I say about how it makes me feel, and that is really hard. They want me to do it all the time, but that can make me feel uncomfortable.
They are actively collecting data on my eye contact in a room surrounded by screaming children, and they tell me that my conversation is “scripted.” What is natural about this setup? It’s all scripted, like a science experiment. And I am the one who needs to learn about irony?
Recently, they made me do a test where I had to answer a bunch of multiple choice questions, such as, “Are you able to count to three?” And then they made me do more inferences on worksheets. Again. Those “autistic people take things literally” stereotypes. I don’t struggle with that at all, and I’ve been doing it for a while.
When I ask why we are doing these things, they tell me, “It will improve your language skills.” But I think my language skills are fine.
They focus on everything I can’t do. They think I’m incapable. Do I seem incapable?
It is way too distracting, and it hurts my head to the point where I can’t talk when my mom asks me, “How did ABA go?”
But really, it’s always the same stuff: inference, idioms, clocks, retell, math, and conversations.
I feel like they are trying to make me less autistic. They describe things and focus on things that are stereotypes of autism, like conversion therapy.
I’ve told everyone who would listen to me– friends, teachers, relatives, counselors, everyone– except the people at ABA about how much I don’t want to be there. I haven’t told the ABA therapists because they will give me a speech about how it’s good for me to be there, or they will tell me that I am scripting. They never validate my feelings.
The most recent ABA drop off was the most difficult, because not only was I dealing with school, I was dealing with other stressors. Mostly, I could not bear the idea that I would have to do this until I was 18. I had a panic attack after my mom dropped me off, and I ran before entering the door to the clinic.
The therapists who always wanted to “help” me chased after me, and I felt like I had no choice but to run into the middle of moving traffic. I could not work anymore for ABA, and that was what I kept repeating to myself in my aching head as I ran into evening traffic. I tried to run back to the sidewalk, but it was too late. I was hit by a car.
The two behavior therapists who had been chasing me slowly backed away, and I watched them leave me there. That was definitely helpful. I went to the emergency room in an ambulance, feeling traumatized. After all, I got slammed on my side by a car and watched people who said they only want to “help” walk away.
I am worried that if I am forced into applied behavior analysis therapy because of court orders, I can’t survive.
Editor’s note: It is not appropriate to defend ABA therapy in the comments of this article. There are many articles on this site regarding ABA where your counter arguments or questions are acceptable and will be addressed. Any comments left in defense of ABA on this article will be removed and the user will be banned. Thank you for understanding.
- On Hurling Myself Into Traffic to Get out of ABA Therapy - January 27, 2020
112 Responses
This makes me grateful I was never identified as a child. What you are experiencing in ABA would make me want to shoot my therapists.
Not identified can just result in the same thing in another form. There is a solidarity value in knowing so. I was not identified as a child in the 80s, when there were no allies and no web. In the Harvey Jones Adolescent Unit, Cardiff, 1983, for a school pressure breaking point that obviously was not my fault, the hard man nurse shouted “to get you in here and change you.”
The entire rest of my life is lived in oppositional defiance on principle, of everything that unit told me to do. A liberty principle of not doing it. That is where defeating this evil starts – having them see that their plans for folks’ future lives will be deliberately defied and not obeyed, because folks act on the prime value of personal liberty.
Your feelings are right and valid. This is abuse. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I wish I knew a way to get you out.
I agree with this. As an ally, I support you and I’m so sorry that you are being forced through this. It doesn’t seem like it’s in anyone’s best interests to be there.
Exposing it is the most important first step.
Wow that’s terrible. How long ago was this?
As a mother to an autistic 4yr old my heart breaks reading stories like this. I am so sorry you are having to deal with people that do not understand. You are incredibly strong and I hope you have not sustained any heavy injuries. Thank you for sharing your story
We love and support you. One Day ABA therapy will be banned.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, Alex, and you seem very capable. It is obvious that this “therapy” is not helping you. We will continue to fight for you and children like you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry you were forced to endure this. Sharing your story helps parents like me keep my own children and others away from this harmful practice.
Please tell me there are charges to leaving a minor in traffic.
We hear you, you aren’t alone, and you shouldn’t have to suffer primitive practices just because you’re different! They’re different; what are they doing to meet you in the middle?
I’m sorry your family isn’t listening to you and I only know too well what it means to have to learn to fight for yourself, but you CAN do this. You ARE NOT incapable, like they want you to believe. They are the ones that sound incapable. Incapable of caring for another human in pain, incapable of wrapping their brains around something they don’t understand. You ARE NOT broken, though they will try to break you. Stay strong and know that you are worth so much more than you think. You do deserve a voice, whether they want to hear it or not. Never stop talking. <3
Thank you everyone for your outpouring of support, kindness and understanding for my amazing son Alex! I want to let the community know how hard I am working to free Alex from ABA. Our case is complex, and I am representing myself pro se in the next battle in the arena. I can only imagine how much healthier and happier Alex will be if I can make this happen for him.
Sending love to you all.
Sara
I am so sorry that these empathy-less compassionless allistic “people” are putting you and other autistics through this horrible dehumanising torment. ABA and behavioural therapies in general need to be stopped. No-one should have to go through what you have gone through.
I want you know, you, and others like you that are able to share your ABA nightmares are helping the younger generation of Aspies and ASDs kiddos. My grandaughter will be 7 at the end of April. She is non verbal, ASD, and super awesome and smart. Because of you, and other teens, adults, I made that decision not to put her in ABA. She is in a school classroom with others like her, and spends her day doing fun things, and challenging things.. counting, shapes.. NORMAL 1st and kindergarten things! Keep sharing. Knowledge is the only way to help! Most of what I have read, many people don’t even know how to apply ABA properly, and they are minimally trained, even then. There is no cure for your greatness, only to pretend to adhere. I’ve got your back buddy!
Please tell me more about ABA therapy. My grandson who is 3 has been going there for about a year. He was non verbal and wouldn’t eat. He has improved so much. We were really pleased. I picked him up a few months ago and he started telling me that he got a strike and talked about crying in a dark room. I was mortified. He repeated dark, cry and scared over and over. I asked my daughter about it. Her response, it works. I’ve now learned that it happens at home now too. I hate it. I
Is there anything I can do? I live in Texas.
If you’re still wondering a year later, please join the Autism Inclusivity Facebook page. It’s autistic adults helping carers of autistic kids.
Every time a person stands up to authoritarian abuse, the world gets a little bit better. Thank you for helping to make the world better. We stand with you.
You are so courageous,this is an extremely well written article. You have marshaled your arguments well and stated them with a dignified ask for respect. If you ever question it at all, it is a worthwhile effort to save yourself, I would like to live long enough to know who you grow into. I’m 54, I just found out at 52 that I’m on the spectrum. It is worth the fight, I have smile lines for proof if you need it. Let me know if there is ever a way to assist you in your self defense. It seems they have failed to believe in the idea that diffability is not disability. We are working to change that. I wish you the best possible outcome.
I am so terribly sorry you’re going through this. Your description of the sessions is enough to make me feel awful, i cant even begin to imagine how it must be for you. You are valid and I see you and this is disgusting abuse.
I am so deeply devastated.
As I was reading this I was impressed by the vocabulary and writing skills demonstrated by this person. I have known many people with a variety of traits that they need assistance with but these are balanced by abilities far beyond the normal for the typical population.
When all people care about is controlling you things are shit.
But the older you get the less they can do it.
Don’t let them win.
I know very well what you are going through. Those people can’t be human. They are monsters who twist everything you say and do to fit their agenda which is to break you and turn you into a robot. I am so sorry you have to go through this injustice. I wish there was a way we could all whisk you away from it. I simply don’t know how. But one thing I do know from my own experience.
This is what I used to tell myself in similar impossible situations and I know it is not much and I hope someone can stop this madness, I hope while you are stuck this may give you some sort of strength and comfort:
They can try and force my arms, my body, they can try and force my eyes, my speech but they can never steal my thoughts and I won’t be swayed to such terribleness. I have a voice and I will shout and scream till I am heard with my own voice. I EXIST! And I am HUMAN!
Bravery is doing something that is terrifying in difficult situations. It may not sound like much, but you are very brave. Keep telling everyone how terrible it is. Be brutally honest. If they tell you that you are scripting, tell them where they can stick that script.
I’m both saddened and angry that this crap still happening!
I am so sorry that you are is so much unnecessary pain and suffering. Thank you for sharing your story. Having a late diagnosis after a mental health crisis I was desperate to help and ABA seemed like our only option. It is because of brave people like you that I was able to get very important information about ABA before my son started treatment. My heart is with you and I hope that whatever brought you to forces ABA can be resolved so that you don’t have to do it anymore.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It shouldn’t be happening. It’s abuse and no one deserves abuse.
I hope my writings on ABA and everyone else’s here and within the autistic community help parents, therapists, authorities about everything wrong with this intervention.
Can we translate your article to Spanish so more people are aware of what ABA makes autistic people feel?
Yes, please do, and leave a link for the author to see he’s published in two languages!
What pronouns does Alex use?
https://traduciendoautistas.wordpress.com/2020/01/29/sobre-arrojarme-al-trafico-para-salir-de-terapia-aba-alexandertreasuresblog-the-aspergian/
Translated at:
https://traduciendoautistas.wordpress.com/2020/01/29/sobre-arrojarme-al-trafico-para-salir-de-terapia-aba-alexandertreasuresblog-the-aspergian/
Thank you so much! ❤️🙏🏼
I am so sorry you are being forced to go through such a horrific injustice.
You are articulate, brave and brilliant. Don’t ever let those ABA therapists make you feel otherwise.
They will never be able to comprehend your brilliance because they’re so dispassionate and ignorant that they will never understand. You have more insight in your little finger than they’ll ever have in their entire life time.
I hope things work out soon and people come to their senses so you can escape ABA’s evil clutches once and for all.
Please don’t give up. When the times are hard and you’re stuck there, know that there are autistics all around the world behind you with their full support. We’re fighting with you. You’re not alone.
And we will win. We won’t give up fighting until ABA is banished to the history books and not one more autistic is subjected to something so abusive and awful.
My heart breaks for you. No human should have to go through that. Sending you all my support.
This is such a harrowing read but such a hugely important one.
I am so immensely sorry you are being put this.
There is nothing wrong with you and you are capable of everything and anything you put your mind to, don’t let those f**kers make you think any different.
Stay strong and thank you for sharing your story with us xxx
I am so deeply sorry this is happening to you. Please share this article with the court that ordered this torture on you. We autistics stand behind you.
I’m a bit late to the party of reminding you that you are not alone,but the note made me laugh out loud because it’s paraphrased as”shut up ABA justifiers”
Bloody hell! Sometimes I think psychologists need their heads examined.
… but seriously, show this article to your parents and hopefully their hearts will tell them this is wrong. You cannot help people by traumatising them! I wish you the best and that these practices will be consigned to the dustbin of history very soon.
I left this comment over on fb first —— wanted you to be able to see it and read. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your experience.
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I just read his story over on another page – I was horrified for him (not surprised that ABA would push someone to do this and to feel this helpless and trapped but truly sad that this conversion therapy is still allowed). His story strengthens my commitment to being a vocal ally to autistic people and standing firmly against behavior therapy and ABA.
I hope he knows he is cherished exactly as he is. That there is nothing wrong or broken about him. That so many of us see how capable, bright and empathic he is. I hope he knows that I am in gratitude to him for sharing this story. He is important and deserves so much better.