A New Year’s Reintroduction

a trans flag paper airplane against a blue background with the word hello to reintroduce a trans autistic man as himself with his new name and not his deadname ActuallyAutistic autism on the spectrum

The Haze

It waved when I moved
So I ran from the ash haze
It never faltered
I turned to meet him and see
My shadow was tied to me

This is a poem about my dysphoria.

For me, dysphoria was a reality I didn’t want to meet, that I tried to run from for years.
It seemed like a looming threat, so I wouldn’t acknowledge it, a terrifying and confusing thing waiting to complicate my life that would follow me as far as I went.

Sometimes, it would grow smaller, I could fling myself into the schoolwork I was already behind in and prevent myself from even having time to see it.

I would try to “Cut it off,” by either convincing myself that dysphoria was something more extreme then what my silly experience was or for a time it would come out by attacking others’ identities, of which was really self directed, I guess trying to put myself back in line.

Anything to avoid questioning, to avoid complicating life.

No matter what I did, I found I could not out run it.
Even as I didn’t know fully what it was, I could not run from it.
Eventually I realized running was pointless.

So I turned around, looked around and looked at this strange feeling properly, and started trying to learn what it was.
Why I’ve felt so wrong since I was even a toddler.
Why I’m just so uncomfortable.

Because when I looked at my shadow, all I found it to be was my own form looking back at me.

And while I’m by nature always a little confused I’ll say;

                                                 “Addressed to you, hi
                                              I mean to say "sorry" for
                                                   Lying all this time...
                                              A whole new introduction. 
                                               Here we go, hello I am-”
                                                                                                        -Cornelius Hecker, he/him
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2 Responses

  1. I don’t even really know what a dilemma is. Where from if I only share my inner world with the books and birches. These are my friends and Mauz the cat is my buddy. I am not at all unworldly – I care about people. But I’ll never understand how they take care I got a Christmas present from my psychologist. I should stay the way I am, my communication skills don’t need therapy. Now I understand. During the pandemic, I found people in the virtual self-help group who speak my language. This is how friendships begin.
    Tomi , living 33years in a Berlin Trailer-park and 57years somewhere in the Spektrum

  2. The concept of a reintroduction for the New Year sounds incredibly refreshing and exciting. It’s a perfect opportunity to start anew, set fresh goals, and embrace positive changes. And when it comes to the eyes vector, I can’t help but be intrigued. Eyes are not only windows to the soul but also convey emotions, curiosity, and connection. Exploring this concept through a vector artistry lens sounds like a captivating and visually stunning endeavor. Kudos to the creators for embarking on such innovative and inspiring projects! Can’t wait to see the magic they bring to the table in the coming year.

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