Have you ever seen a Zamboni clear an ice rink? Before it makes its journey, the ice is a mess. It’s gouged and scratched. Then the machine magically wipes it all away. Everything looks smooth and clean.
Except it is all an illusion. Under the smooth surface there is still evidence of the deeper damage.
This so accurately describes meltdowns and their aftermath.
Last week I struggled so much. I recently lost my most excellent sidekick and support person. Finding someone to fill his shoes is hard.
I also am sparring with a change in medication. As much as I don’t want to need it, clearly I do.
All this contributed to me losing control of my body and putting my mom in the line of fire. Not once should she have to be in danger from her son. And yet here we are.
The moment my consciousness begins to return from wherever it fled during my meltdown, I am horrified with what transpired. As someone who believes in forgiveness, my mom drives the emotional Zamboni over her face and approaches me with a smooth, clean love.
But I worry about those deeper gouges, the ones not easily glossed over. Can they build up over time and take a toll on our relationship?
I am a big optimist, so I have to keep believing in the magic of a fresh start.
What else can I do?