50 Things with PatrickMagpie — You Know You’re Autistic When & Small Talk Alternatives4 min read

50 things with patrick magpie

I’m back from hiatus! I have exciting things in the works, including a new blog called Escapades of an Autistic Diva. I might even teach you how to still get someone to like you after standing them up ten times. I’m helpful like that.

In the mean­time, check out the latest edi­tion of 50 Things with PatrickMagpie. This one’s a two-parter!

You know you’re autistic when…

  1. You burn a hole in your note­book from erasing too much.
  2. You scream in a crowded train sta­tion because someone touched your shoulder.
  3. You have twenty atlases in your room, and you actu­ally read them.
  4. You secured your neighbor a job on a dif­ferent con­ti­nent because he talked too much.
  5. You know more about gar­dening than Freddy Krueger, but you haven’t been out­side since 2011.
  6. You have a panic attack every time the phone or door­bell rings.
  7. You get berated for being a social jus­tice war­rior, but you haven’t even said any­thing yet.
  8. You still hold a grudge against the clown who beat you in the second-grade spelling bee… twenty years ago.
  9. You’ve mem­o­rized 276 cheese­cake recipes but some­times struggle to tie your shoes.
  10. You stim out every time you see your favorite restau­rant; and, now, you’re not allowed in Chattanooga.
  11. You will not drink from a yellow straw.
  12. You always win at hide and seek because you’re invis­ible to most people already.
  13. You’re brought to tears when birds fly by, partly because they’re so majestic, you can’t help your­self, and partly because you’re ter­ri­fied of those sharp-beaked, cold-hearted, pre­his­toric death machines.
  14. You throw wet gum at people when they try to make eye con­tact with you.
  15. You’ve been told, “You don’t grieve death, just the loss of rou­tine,” by a psy­chi­a­trist who hangs his diploma from a Rapunzel magnet.
  16. You only read Moby Dick and Hozier lyrics.
  17. You’re con­stantly crit­i­cized for being over-rational by over­e­mo­tional human pop­sicle sticks.
  18. You heard Al Gore speak one time, and now you carry a cli­mate dis­aster sur­vivor kit in your trunk.
  19. You’ve had peanut butter sand­wiches for lunch every day since preschool.
  20. You ques­tion every­thing like some skep­tical little wendigo.
  21. You’ve had your spirit dragged down relent­lessly but are still standing.
  22. Your best friend some­times for­gets to eat, so you forget to breathe.
  23. You sort your Skittles by color, then throw them in the trash because you don’t eat uni­corn vomit.
  24. You feel mis­un­der­stood, even though you don’t under­stand any­thing except the­o­ret­ical syntax, ther­mo­dy­namics, quantum physics, world peace, and some other shit.
  25. You have to be nice to everyone, even though it makes you the worst kind of annoying.I’ve kept this a secret long enough. I hate small talk. I hate small talk more than words can describe– more than base­ball players with pan­cake butts, flip flops and plat­form sneakers, and the Spice Girls reunion tour. So instead of trying to describe it, I’ll leave you with 25 won­derful alter­na­tives to banal-ass small talk.
  26. Make a voodoo doll of the com­mu­nity bully and throw it in the bar­becue
  27. Pretend you’re Tartuffe, buy a fancy wig, and scare all the neigh­bors
  28. Have a three-hour con­ver­sa­tion about bathy­metric charts with an unwilling par­tic­i­pant
  29. Memorize the Old Testament and judge a fool for wearing poly­ester
  30. Teach a gopher how to do the Macarena
  31. Bite a stranger’s hand and steal his Bazooka bubble gum
  32. Argue about the cul­tural impor­tance of Grease 2
  33. Take your gay best friend shop­ping at Pottery Barn and speak to him only in Morse code
  34. Slip your Coke-addicted enemy Pepsi and see if they notice
  35. Accidentally drop a bar­gain hair dryer in the Judge Rotenberg Center toilet
  36. Bribe someone to tell you, “With those beach waves, you could be on the cover of Sports Illustrated!” in a public venue
  37. Sell banana cream pies to the 100 mil­lion people who hate Mitch McConnell
  38. Knit a teddy bear for a cock­roach and give it a cute nick­name like Baby Daddy
  39. Buy Ricky Martin’s wax on Ebay and recreate the Livin’ La Vida Loca video
  40. Play Mad Libs with your dog
  41. See if you can make carrot cake in the microwave
  42. Start a turf war with the sci­en­tists in Antarctica
  43. Read one of the ninety unread books sit­ting on your night­stand
  44. Invite your friends to your colonoscopy and throw them a sur­prise party
  45. Take your vacuum on a walk through Central Park
  46. Go to the latest Marvel movie and ran­domly scream “He’s a ghost! And he writes to us!” during the climax
  47. Join a con­vent just so you can trick Mother Superior into par­taking in pagan rit­uals.
  48. Pizza, dammit! Get pizza
  49. Talk about how over­pop­u­la­tion is destroying the planet in front of your friend who has seven kids and another on the way
  50. Make it through a whole con­ver­sa­tion without ref­er­encing Golden Girls


  1. Love this! I know some people might get offended, but I love self-aware autistic snark. We know our quirks, after all. Thanks for the laughs, and I will def­i­nitely be fol­lowing the new blog!

  2. “You burn a hole in your note­book from erasing too much.” LOL!!! (ouch — grade school and high school)

    “You sort your Skittles by color, then throw them in the trash because you don’t eat uni­corn vomit.” LOL!!!

    “Have a three-hour con­ver­sa­tion about bathy­metric charts with an unwilling par­tic­i­pant.” Had to laugh at this one, too, only it wasn’t about bathy­metric charts. It was a one-sided con­ver­sa­tion, and the look of pain on his (actu­ally their) face puz­zled me for a long time.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Patrick „ you are totally mag­nif­i­cently bril­liant and you have a “beau­tiful mind.” Thanks so much for sharing your wit and humor here on WordPress. I nearly fell out of my chair belly-laughing at your lists. Rave on, Baby, Rave on.

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