Fifty Ways to Commit Social Suicide2 min read

This list is based on social con­ven­tions I had no hand in. If I had that kind of power, divas would rule Earth and the unfash­ion­able would be living in a bubble in space.

1. Mooing at a funeral

2. Wearing prison orange to your best friend’s wed­ding

3. Spending your bar mitzvah money on Balenciaga

4. Turning four­teen and auto­mat­i­cally becoming a basic white bitch

5. Telling your life story in a salad recipe

6. Spilling Chai on your Canadian Goose jacket

7. Only buying one hand soap when you go into Bath and Body Works

8. Talking about your array of chain­saws at a baby shower

9. Brushing your teeth with Monistat

10. Taking a job as a food tester at Fancy Feast

11. Saving your­self for Luke Perry, but it’s 2019

12.Perpetually saying I Love You on first dates

13. Naming your first born Hamlet

14. Accidentally liking an Instagram pic­ture of Mel Gibson

15.Bragging to the pop­ular table you bought a new ter­rarium

16. Skinny dip­ping with the Westboro Baptist Church

17.Accidentally telling people you shop at Payless

18. Announcing on Facebook your new bestie is Sally from Hobby Lobby

19. Spitting your tea on the Queen

20. Getting a boner in the middle of home room

21. Celebrating Valentine’s Day with your preg­nant ham­ster 

22. Referencing your metaphor­ical penis in a fac­ulty meeting

23. Wearing round toe-shoes with a maxi skirt

24. Mowing your gym teacher’s lawn so you don’t have to do push-ups

25. Serving burgers on a gen­uine silver platter

26. Becoming addicted to a Bible quote gen­er­ator

27. Being the one person in Mississippi who’s read a book that didn’t have the Grinch in it 

28. Naming your band Hetero Taxidermy

29. When the other nuns find out you’ve had more sex this week than Peter Rabbit’s mum

30. Getting caught by a the­ater usher with a water­melon in your purse

31.Letting your herpes med fall out of your pocket in the break room

32. Making fake pro­files to praise your main pro­file

33. Coming out in the back­seat of an ice cream truck

34. Finally get­ting a nick­name in school, but that nick­name is ‘wet whet frog dong’

35. Having a moral code 

36. Getting mar­ried at a Chic-fil‑a

37. Accidentally posting some­thing meant for your incel sup­port group on your Facebook wall

38. Consistently mixing up the words celiac and aphro­disiac 

39. Automatically saying, “yes” when others ask “Am I ugly?” 

40. Admitting your one and only kiss was with a Toggenburg goat

41. You land your first date in a decade and cancel to go to Beatlemania

42. You fall in love with a George Harrison imper­son­ator who looks more like Roseanne Barr

43. Showing the vicar your black lace thong only to remember you’re not wearing one 

44. Realizing the secret to longevity is avoiding men at all costs

45. When your mom talks about your impo­tence on Dr. Phil

46.Attending a PRIDE night Ariana Grande karaōke com­pe­ti­tion and coming in first place

47. When you tell your plastic sur­geon you want to look like Danny DeVito, and now you’re the Penguin

48. Destroying opin­ions with facts

49. Realizing everyone thinks you’re a douche blower because you shop at H&M

50. Just being your­self

patrickmagpie

6 Comments

  1. As an #ActuallyAutistic someone who lost someone close (who was also autistic as it hap­pens) to sui­cide, “commit… sui­cide” in any con­text is actu­ally really upset­ting.

    I know you were going for a show­case of autistic humour, but this hurt. I thought you should know. Thank you.

    1. I thought it was hilar­ious, and I also think sui­cide is hilar­ious (if you do it right) and I don’t think authors should be pub­licly rep­ri­manded for saying words just because someone who had an unpleasant life-event wants to take every­thing per­son­ally and make every­thing about them­selves. If the word “sui­cide ” upsets you, you have the choice to scroll past it; choosing click on it for the spe­cific pur­pose of shaming the author for simply using a silly slang-term (“social sui­cide”) is unbe­lie­ve­ably selfish, imo. Just thought you should know. Thank you.

      1. I sorta think it wasn’t the word sui­cide, it was the phrase “COMMIT sui­cide”, as if it were a delib­erate crime and not, you know, a tragedy the person has been a victim of, or a des­perate escape from the unbear­able tragedy that life was for them.
        And, yeah, when used in the lit­eral sense, the phrase bothers me too, and I haven’t even expe­ri­enced anyone around me die by sui­cide.
        Sowocki is right. One doesn’t COMMIT sui­cide.

  2. Author

    Thanks for the input.

  3. But is it okay to name your second child Hamlet?

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