My Species6 min read

I am a 50 year old man.

I have two states: fully engaged in my thoughts or mind-numbingly bored and searching for some­thing to do. I am either focused on some­thing or fid­geting in a limbo state. I fidget, pace, tap and drum in an attempt to steady my high-tempo rhythm.  

Others’ body lan­guage alone is enough to de-motivate me and cause me to retreat without a word. I would always walk rather than get a bus, regard­less of weather.

I was curious to know if there were others like me.

They may have a dif­ferent blend of char­ac­ters but the under­lying pat­tern will still be there. They could be of any race, gender, or age, and they don’t fit with what other people expect of them. Someone who func­tions on a dif­ferent plane, someone who notices details that others don’t, someone who might get irri­tated at the sound of a gas meter two rooms away that nobody else hears, someone who has (or had) excep­tion­ally detailed vision but can’t deal with bright lights, someone who is always looking to under­stand the very fun­da­men­tals of every­thing.

I often forget to eat, and I have to make an effort to schedule a meal. When I do eat, I really appre­ciate the flavours, smells, tex­tures, and colours.

I am mes­merised by cycles and rhythms that I cannot easily put into lan­guage. I think a bit deeper and more ener­get­i­cally than other people I know.

Now I am curious to know how many there are of us.

I feel emo­tions at depths that I cannot begin to describe, so to put it simply I live in heaven, hell, or limbo. I auto-select heaven, which is any pos­i­tive frame of mind, but some­times I’m pushed into hell.

When I am in hell, I go deep. My psyche has a war­rior aspect to pro­tect it and defend sta­bility, but my phys­ical body takes a bat­tering as I drop sleeping and eating rou­tines.

On viewing some work of art people may say, “How beau­tiful is that.” I think what but­tons does that press in me to make that beau­tiful to me. I see things and put things together in dif­ferent ways than other people I know.

I look for the basic prin­ci­ples and recon­struct the sit­u­a­tion to see if it feels the same. Tricks and lies tend to stand out when I do this. By the way, for me, beauty is the smooth and effort­less under­standing of pos­i­tive infor­ma­tion gained from the sub­ject, it fits beau­ti­fully.

Others like me might share my advan­tages:

My pos­i­tive emo­tions are enhanced; I am usu­ally very opti­mistic and enthu­si­astic, and I live with an under­lying gusto.

My boosted curiosity leads to under­stand­ings that enrich my mental maps, a dif­ferent map for each dif­ferent frame of mind.

I do not crave the super­fi­cial.

I am extremely curious and ana­lyt­ical. I enjoy solving prob­lems.

I have been able to explain my thought pro­cessing to my wife over the years so she can have a sense of under­standing when I want to dis­ap­pear from all humans, and it’s not her fault in any way at all.

I push at max­imum as default.

I have high energy levels.

I have a deeply-bonded, loving mar­riage. I love my wife, kids, and grand­chil­dren with the very essence of my exis­tence. My sib­lings have no idea how impor­tant they are to me.

I love extremely deeply.

I learn lots because I buzz with curiosity about lots of things.

I can very much and enjoy com­mu­ni­cating when I think I am being under­stood. I don’t shut up if someone wants to listen.

I like to ponder why I func­tion the way I do.

I seem to be run­ning the Asperger’s edi­tion of the human brain with enhanced emo­tional boost as this edition’s defining fea­ture.

Things about me that might be thought of as odd:

Still, at 50 years old, while others may be sali­vating with antic­i­pa­tion of the per­fect burger or sand­wich that they are about to chomp into, I on the other hand am thinking about not biting my fin­gers…  again… Wow, that really hurts, man. Definitely worth remem­bering to avoid that again.

 I see myself and the envi­ron­ment in as many dif­ferent ways as pos­sible to get the biggest and highest res­o­lu­tion pic­ture as I can. I like to look for pat­terns in cycles, I like to smooth and sim­plify them. I con­nect to reality on a dif­ferent level.

My phys­ical body is a sym­bi­otic sym­phony of electro-bio-chemistry mainly made up of other non-human crea­tures and chem­i­cals. My mind and aware­ness is my inter­pre­ta­tion of my neural cell func­tion in real-time. I am unique, as are we all. I think, there­fore I am alive. I think my cog­ni­tive func­tions are working OK.

I know the fun­da­mental dif­fer­ence between good and bad.

 Positive cycles are sym­bi­otic and good for mind, body, and envi­ron­ment.

 Negative cycles are par­a­sitic and bad for mind, body, and envi­ron­ment.

 It is my under­standing that sym­bi­otic cycles (that blend with and sup­port other existing +ve cycles) strengthen and sup­port our phys­ical and psy­cho­log­ical sys­tems, and par­a­sitic cycles destroy them. It is black and white to me; any grey bits are bits that have not been suf­fi­ciently looked at yet.

My moral foun­da­tion is simple.

Helping myself and my envi­ron­ment [including other people] is good. = (sym­bi­otic cycle).

Hurting myself and my envi­ron­ment [including other people] is bad. = (par­a­sitic cycle).

My log­ical under­standing so far of how I think I’m dif­ferent:

My sig­nalling neu­rons of my brain are more ener­getic. I thought the dif­fer­ence might be in the peri­aque­ductal gray and it should be mea­sur­able as a dif­fer­ence in the ratio of input/output signal strength. I won­dered if extra neu­rons are in the PAG cluster. I think that my I/O signal ratio would favour the output signal as com­pared to “common” brains if there is a boost from the PAG.

At this point, I think this could be the root of my dif­fer­ence and pos­sibly autism. However, I am aware of my lim­ited knowl­edge, and it may be some other sus­pected areas of the brain that are respon­sible. I am attributing the peri­aque­ductal grey with the role of good/bad processor, but the extra energy does not have to orig­i­nate there if neu­rons are run­ning faster than normal as recent research indi­cates. [Link here] There is also recent research which has shown dif­fer­ences in autistic RNA [Link here]; are we the gen­esis of a spe­ci­a­tion event? The thought amuses me.

To my mind, anyone born with unchar­ac­ter­is­ti­cally strong brain sig­nals would gen­erate sim­ilar behav­ioural traits and strate­gies to my own. Perhaps the autism spec­trum can be mapped to a range of sig­nalling ener­gies and pro­cessing fre­quen­cies? The emo­tional energy.

My quanta of emo­tional energy seems larger than average.

At least, my present under­standing my larger quanta of emo­tional energy could explain all of my traits.

I could be wrong of course… if you know dif­ferent then, I would like to hear alter­na­tive the­o­ries.

Scio mens Deo

I might also come with a slightly-inflated ego.

Sources:

https://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/-nerve-cells-in-people-with-autism-develop-faster-and-grow-larger-study-finds/

https://arstechnica.com/science/2018/12/autism-involves-a-large-scale-reduction-in-rna-editing/

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2 Comments

  1. Your not alone! You lost me on the neuron stuff,but that’s ok, I never ques­tion the why just the how to sur­vive in a NT world. As my masks come off it’s worse. You are blessed to have a loving wife who stands with you. I am so happy for you. Adult ASD people are many!! But this world right now is about helping the chil­dren with ASD. And that is wonderful,but a lot of us adults are thought of as throw always, we are told that we have dealt with this for this long(as a neu­rol­o­gist told me) so what’s the problem?! (Lord help them many are so clue­less) Age and health get­ting worse took my job, after 35 yrs. I am.…… can’t find words. Hold on to those who accept you as you are,a lot of us don’t have that. God bless you!
    I love who I am, And read your article and saw me and don’t feel so alone,thank you for shareing

    1. Author

      Thanks Debby, I strongly agree that chil­dren are the number one pri­ority and should get the quality time they need. I see the root of the problem in a time and cash selfish cul­ture. If cul­ture doesn’t have time for its chil­dren then the cul­ture will inevitably fail. If lis­tening to chil­dren, or adults, is not impor­tant then why is there so many coun­sel­lors repairing so many dam­aged minds these days? I doubt many coun­sel­lors would be needed if those people were lis­tened to in the first place. It seems to me that people are groomed into self­ish­ness in order for others to make a profit from them.

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