I Don’t Regret You2 min read

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“I was won­dering … if I have kids, will they be autistic?”

“Well, both your dad and I are Neurodivergent … and being autistic is a part of that for our family.  So, yes. It is highly likely that if you have chil­dren, they will be autistic.”

Long pause

“I don’t think I will have kids.  My life is really hard, and I don’t want to bring people into this world if their life is going to be this hard.”

“I think that is a very deep thought, Honey.  Your life has been really hard and lonely. Can I speak to that, though?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t regret you.  I really like who you are.  You are my first, and I had no idea what I was doing.  So, you didn’t get the sup­port you needed when you were your brother’s age.  I didn’t know you, nor I for that matter, were Neurodivergent. It wasn’t until you started kinder­garten that I noticed you were not fit­ting into the estab­lished struc­ture.  

Looking back, it makes sense that I would have missed that you were dif­ferent because I am the same kind of dif­ferent. I worked really hard to not squash who and how you are when you were little for rea­sons that were not con­nected to my cur­rent “pro-neurodiversity” stance.  I think I expe­ri­enced life as a child in a set­ting where I was just trying to sur­vive emo­tion­ally and men­tally around con­stant verbal and emo­tional shrapnel.

For the majority of my adult life, I attrib­uted my chal­lenges exclu­sively to that.  I could have grown into a very abu­sive person, but I wonder if my neu­ro­log­ical dif­fer­ences didn’t pre­serve my heart somehow.  Sure, I’m rid­dled with anx­iety and my brain feels like a junk drawer, but I’m a good Mom.

I am a kind and honest person. I am cre­ative.  I have some­thing unique to put into this world. And, my dear daughter, I do believe my ceiling is your floor. I see a bril­liance in you that your strug­gles have helped to forge.  Life is really hard, but we do hard things every day.

You don’t have to feel like you must have chil­dren.  Your life’s pur­pose might be served better if you don’t.  However, I want to encourage you to know that you bringing more people into this world that are like you, isn’t some­thing you need to be afraid of.  It isn’t a regretful thing to do. I wanted you for years before I got to hold you.”

Latest posts by jenbluhm (see all)

2 Comments

  1. I have two chil­dren and my son is on the waiting list to be assessed, but my daughter is NT like her mum. They were born before I was assessed. It does con­cern me that my son might end up with the strug­gles that I had and have, but my wife always reminds me that it was hard for me because I was u diag­nosed and my par­ents and sister are NTs. Therefore, we have the knowl­edge and the sup­port sys­tems to put in place for him at this early stage. If you have a desire to have chil­dren someday, then I urge you to embrace it because kids are amazing and they teach you so much about life and they become a focus of your energy. I read an article recently that stated that autistic people should not have chil­dren because we are unable to self sac­ri­fice. That is a dis­gusting lie. My autism makes it dif­fi­cult for me to find employ­ment, so I have been respon­sible for caring for my chil­dren and they are thriving.

  2. Yes! I know so many amazing autistic par­ents!

Talk to us... what are you thinking?